CL Stories – Terrified [Chapter 53]

December 2, 2011, its 10:45 in the evening. I’m with a friend in a bus on our way to a bar. I'm smiling for no apparent reason, only to realize that it was you I was thinking about all along. I was already out of the house for more than 24 hours. I actually spent time with you but since I was too tired from partying and taking care of drunken friends all I could do was fall sleep beside you. I could still feel your fingers touching my ears. I was trying to maintain a certain level of consciousness while sleeping so that I would remember the warm touch that I continuously feel from my earlobes and nape. I usually have a lot to say when I am infatuated with someone. But this time I think my inner feline personality got my tongue. I want to be so safe, sure and accountable for every word that would come out from these lips. I'm usually fearless and would stare as long as I want but this time around I could barely maintain an eye to eye contact with you. They say that the eyes are the windows to the soul. I'm scared of what you might see through mine. Terrified of what could be another set of pain amidst the joys and happiness. Could I be falling into love’s endless pit again? It’s too early to tell. I am no hypocrite. I’m not going to say that I’m not happy with his sweet little efforts to put up a smile on my face. I know that people will tell me “how would you know if you won’t take the plunge?” or “You won’t know unless you try!” and another is “Hurt and pain will always be a part of loving. If it doesn’t hurt or if there’s no pain then it’s not love.” In my previous relationships I’ve never held back. I’ve always been the one spearheading the flow and doing the efforts first. Only to find out that by doing so I spoil them too much and if I don’t get the same back, I lose interest and the will to go on. All this time I’ve always wanted someone to give me the attention and affection that I can give, but learning through my own experience and from my peers as well that you can’t expect them to love you the way you love them. Loving is unique to every person and they have their own way of showing it. You have to learn to be contented with what one can give you even if you can give a hundred times of that. I am torn, for the first time in my life I think my fear is getting the best of me. I usually survive through encouragement given by my friends and loved ones but I’m not quite sure now. I’m not sure how long this fear will reside in me till I take that plunge again. I just don’t want us (if ever…) to be “another used to be”. I won’t know if I have learned my mistakes from my previous relationships until I give it one more try. But I’m frightened, for myself and the person who’s going to endure it with me. I’m scared of hurting myself in the process but most of all I’m scared of hurting that special someone. One thing I’m sure of though, my heart is now in motion again. I don’t really know if I’m ready to take that jump off the cliff but as long as someone is willing to do it with me then I don’t really mind. I’ll try and give myself another chance at this thing called love and see for real why people are so cynical and head over heels for it. I’ll see where it will take me and to what heights will it let me soar. So are you willing to join me in facing this fear of falling in love?

“If you are terrified to admit that you are in love then you are not worthy of one.”

CL Stories – Cryogenic Christmas [Chapter 52]

I am staring at our Christmas tree, the lights continuously flickering, fading in and out and dancing endlessly as if there was a music playing. The only thing I can hear is the click of every single letter and punctuation I press on this keyboard. I’d probably feel that I was deaf if I had used a rubber keyboard since it wouldn’t generate any sound. The silence is slowly drowning out the noise in my pretty big nutshell. I’m not quite sure why I’m not really looking forward to the most festive and most celebrated season of the year. I don’t even know how many days are left before Christmas comes, maybe because of the fact that this Christmas won’t be the same as the ones before. Winter season just came in and don’t get me wrong I love the cold weather, just not the cold memories it brings back. It feels more than just being doused with a bucket full of ice cold water. It could be my soul slowly catching hypothermia, slowly drifting into the deep, dark and freezing abyss of loneliness. Being unable to warm up myself with every thought possible, every single breath and second become crucial to my survival. The slightest mishap could send my heart straight to the bottom of the pit of sadness and despair. Every corner of my room gives a new meaning to the word nostalgia, I can literally picture out things that have happened in the last three years, both good and bad. I open the glass door, and as I inhale the cool winter breeze more memories flood my psyche. Chills course through my body and I am again reminded of events that have passed inside these walls, winter never seemed so cold until now. Christmas is near and I’ve spent the last seasons with my family, friends and a special someone. This time around, there won’t be a special someone. Someone you sleep and wake up with during cold nights and mornings, have breakfast lunch and dinner together, slack off, cuddle with, watch movies and have endless hugs and kisses. I guess this will really be a cryogenic Christmas for me. It will be an icy, chilly, deep frozen, below-zero, frostbiting, glacial Christmas. But nonetheless I am still hopeful and positive, even if that person comes along or not, I know I will be in good hands with family and friends.

"The best of all gifts around any Christmas tree: the presence of happy family and friends all wrapped up in each other."

CL Stories – Futurist [Chapter 51]

Sometimes we wish we could predict the future. Know what is going to happen next and prepare for it. The irrefutable fear of humans over the unknown is growing everyday and this causes their hunger for information insatiable and unquenchable. They delve and stare so much into what the future could bring that most of them fail to enjoy what is given to them at the moment. Is this a good way to live? We get so preoccupied with things we want to do and things we want to achieve. All our childhood and adolescent life we are taught to think about our future and plan for them accordingly. But as we grow and mature we realize that this isn't really how life is meant to be lived. We squander so much time thinking and planning for the future that we fail to appreciate what is given to us at the very moment. It's fine to plan for the future but always live one day at a time. Let the mysteries of tomorrow unfold as they should. Do not force yourself to adapt to situations that hasn’t happened yet. You are spoiling the surprises that the future holds. If you continue to plan so far ahead for your life, it will eventually be boring and too subtle for you. Looking too far ahead might make you miss and oversee opportunities that are right in front of you. Learn to live at the moment and savor life as it comes. Ride a train even if you don’t know where it will take you, walk wherever your feet will bring you and speak to someone you think you couldn’t talk to. Do things you thought you could never do and have no regrets in your life

"Take the risks and make the ultimate sacrifice now but be patient enough to wait for the result no matter how long it takes for we all know that Rome wasn't built in a day."

CL Stories – The Apple [Chapter 50]

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away" We all know this proverb and it implies that having a daily supply of apple helps keep us healthy. Those tech savvy who fancy Macintosh products also appreciate the same quote. Today people are saddened for the passing of a man whose name has been phenomenal and has made the term Apple more than just your ordinary daily source of antioxidants. Steve Jobs, the CEO and founder of Macintosh or famously known as the "Apple" brand has passed away. Though the cause of death was not made known to public, he fought a rare form of pancreatic cancer in 2004 and also had a liver transplant sometime in 2009. He probably knew the severity of his health condition that’s why on the 24^th of August this year he decided to file his resignation as the CEO of the corporation and hand it over to Tim Cook who was the Chief Operating Officer at that time. From the first commercially successful personal computer to use a graphical interface up to the latest iPhone4S, he has brought us several technologies which have made our lives not just entertaining but a little easier than usual. Mp3 players, handhelds, personal computers and laptops, he has been a man of great creativity and dedication when it comes to his craft. His legacy will live on and his name will go down in the history of mankind. He is a king and a hero in the world of technology. He is the one who has brought us simple yet innovative technology that has influenced our daily lives and will continue to do so. He is Steve Jobs and may he rest in peace.

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma -- which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of others' opinions drown out your own inner voice."

- Steve Jobs (1955 - 2011)

CL Stories – Bonds [Chapter 49]

Desperately trying to disunite and unlink the chains that bind us together, I try to leave your ominous yet encouraging presence. You’ve got your hooks so deep in me that every time I take that one step away the pain gets too intense and I just couldn’t go any further. My senses slowly go numb form all the torment while your words cripple me more rendering me helpless and weak down to my knees. Like arrows that pierce my thick armor and hits my vital spot. I am now at your mercy awaiting your Coup De Grâce. Make me savor the last remaining time given to my senses. Let the last sight my eyes will lay on be you and your kind yet cruel persona. Let the last odor that shall invade my sense of smell be your distinct scent among all men. Utter the last words that shall devour the silence and let it echo in my ears even if I tried to forget them. Remind me once more the taste of bittersweet life from your lips. A memory I’ve tried so hard to obliterate but wanted to remember so badly. Let my body feel the last ounce of warmth from yours. The recollection of this warm feeling shall be my only source of heat when we are parted from each other. End my suffering by severing your ties with me and I shall be reborn and reincarnated. By carrying with me the ideals and lessons I have learned from our time together I will become a new person. From a hapless peasant to a noble warrior you have shared with me wisdom and knowledge that even time won’t have the capability to erase. You have given to me a part of your life that even at your hardest and desperate efforts you can never take back. Time goes by and our bonds will grow again but this time it will be tighter and feelings will grow deeper which is contrary to what we have tried to predict. Forging the foundation of the bond on life’s anvil and hammering it with the obstacles we are facing as well as cooling it off with our precious emotions. We are the blacksmith of the ties we create with people. We have the capability to make it last, the capacity to withstand its obstacles and also the choice to make it shatter and break if we want to. The quality of a bond we share with them will vary depending on how we handle things on our side and how they do well on theirs. A mutual understanding, trust, compassion and sympathy will be crucial and vital to these bonds. These are the unions that you will treasure and cherish for the rest of your life. These are bonds that can never be severed but only strengthened through time.

"An inseparable bond is formed between two people who experienced PAIN because of one another and made it through because of each other."

CL Stories – Lustful Intentions [Chapter 48]

As I detach myself from the weekend routine with some friends, a decent proposal was sent to my mobile. But judging from whosoever sent it, it was bound to turn into an indecent one, but nonetheless I took it, much like how Snow white took a bite from the red luscious apple that the wicked witch gave her. I called the person he mentioned who will also be joining the feud for liquor and confirmed that he will be coming as well. All was set and ready to go. I went in to the field knowing that he who invited me had more than just lustful intentions. As I make my way onto the room I slowly re-think my motives for coming here. Re-assuring myself that no matter what happens I will remain steady with my words and actions. Loud music, smoky air and a dim lit room welcomed me along with two significant people in my life. I already knew what would happen from this point on. As I close the door. Thoughts and ideas poured into my head. The feud for the condemned liquid that has shaken the very body and even the psyche of humans has begun. I slowly indulged myself in the pleasures of this life along with 2 of my comrades. Conversations turn to reminiscing of the past, and reminiscing the past turned to re-living them. As we finish the single bottle of the damned fluid, intoxication sets in. The feeling that our innards were set ablaze grew stronger by the minute. As we try and shake it off by dancing to the beat of the loud music that has flooded the smoked filled room, it slowly gets the better of us. Out of the frying pan and into the fire. The burning sensation just grew more and more. Moving around and grooving to the rhythm of the music just intensified it and you can literally feel the body heat emanating from each of us. The host has decided to simmer down a bit and he turned the music a notch down as well as turned the lights off. The three of us were lying on the bed, intoxicated, on heat and can barely stand. The abysmal night dragged on and on. As we lay on the bed the lustful intentions slowly materialized. Thoughts turn into words and words turn into actions as the progressive deterioration of our prides went on. The actions soon become senseless as it goes on because we started to skip the thoughts and just did the things that are taboo to many people in a spontaneous way. The pain, the pleasure and the shame drove us all crazy at some point. But we were too intoxicated and our senses are too dull to entertain the thought that what we are doing is an abomination. As we finish what seems to be a battle to purge the lust in our minds, one of my comrades was already consumed by the temporary slumber brought about by this war while the other one could barely stand. I gathered all the remaining strength in me, stood up and walked away from the battlefield drenched in pure white blood. I carry with me not the honor of victory or the glorious win over the war, but a battle scar inflicted by my very own comrade. A scar that will always remind me of the pain, pleasure and shame of that battle we once fought. A scar brought upon by the eternal warmongering of heroes who fought their own comrades.

"Battle scars do not mean you have won the war nor have lost it. It only symbolizes that you have shed your own blood to do what you should and what you could to achieve victory."

CL Stories – A Memento [Chapter 47]

Everything happened too fast and too sudden. I saw it coming but chose to ignore the signs for the ounce of happiness I could achieve. Ignorance will never be a valid excuse and now I'm paying for it, facing the consequences of my actions and taking responsibility over it. As time goes by it gets tougher and harder to part from the feeling. I am now in a state of regressive progression wherein I need to go back to my old self in order to be able to take one step forward, that one step forward which will always be the most painful and hard thing to do yet the most rewarding and fulfilling. I may not have much choice but I’m sure that I won’t regret anything. Whatever happened and whatever will happen next I still won’t regret anything for I did something that made me happy and that’s all that matters. It’s always about making yourself happy. As to why these things happen to me I don’t really know. After all that’s happened I’m still a slave of idealism. Sharing the constant thought of me wanting to be the “ideal” partner has put me in situations I never imagined I’d be in. Funny, scary, risky, happy are just a few words which could probably describe it. Somehow I’ll figure out a way to overcome this kind of feeling again. I have to and I need to not for anybody’s sake but for my own. No matter how much I yearn for it. It already has a period, much like what I’ll put at the end of this sentence. But as they say it’s not the end of a book, so you can still decide what to write on the following paragraph, page, or chapter. Even if the book ends you can still make a sequel to it. Things happen for a certain reason and it may not always happen to make you happy but it happens to slowly turn you in to a better person over time, “Rome wasn’t built in a day” as they say. All of us are a work in progress and life is a forever learning process. The next page is still blank, I already have an Idea what I want to write on it but I guess I really don’t picture love and relationship in it at the moment. There are a lot of things I can and want to do alone. I don’t really know what to do when that time comes that I am again head over heels for someone but rest assured I will be a better person. Better than what I was before and better than what I am now.

"It will serve as a constant reminder that we don't need to be together to be happy."

 

CL Stories – The Road to Fame [Chapter 46]

Popularity was a big thing when we were high school students. It helps in defining our character whether we are the one who likes the spotlight or not. There is a constant need to be known not only by our class but as well as others. School organizations and extracurricular activities is a must. The pressure we have at this stage in life is just so great that If we don’t know how to handle it we will have a hard time establishing our character amongst the crowd and be like a little sheep amidst a pack of wolves. This is probably the most selfish stage in our lives where we care about nothing else except for ourselves. We barely know what our parents or teachers are going through. They are obliged to show strength even if they are in their toughest times so that we may learn to do the same thing when we grow up. I have been a part of an independent film lately and I was reminded of my high school years (due to the fact that the shooting took place in the school I was in during my fifteenth and sixteenth year). I got acquainted with some new friends and met some really cool people. It felt like I was back in my high school days. The unique smell of the classrooms (to which until now I still don’t know why they smell like that hahaha!), the lockers, corridors, and the famous toilet rooms (where gossips are usually started and distributed among the students). The canteen, auditorium or gymnasium, faculty room, registrar’s office, guidance councilor’s office and last but definitely not the least the Principal’s office. The film that we are doing just made me realize teenage years have something more in them not more on the students’ side but more on the teachers’ side. I wish I could have been a little considerate on my teachers in those times. But that time is over and I’m glad that somehow I now have an idea what might have been going on in the faculty rooms or teachers lounge. Witnessing how a film is made is just great but knowing what it’s really about behind the scenes is just equally fascinating. I give Kudos to all the people in front and behind the camera, the scriptwriter, the producers and specially the director (Who happens to be my classmate back then and probably the most successful individual in our batch in both career life and love life hahaha!). This will surely go down in history and it will be great! Thanks for inviting me to experience this kind of thing and I hope there will be more in the future.

"Behind every meaningful painting is an inspired artist, behind every captivating picture is an appreciative photographer and behind every great film is a creative director. Let us appreciate not only the product itself but the people behind them which is the very reason why they exist."

CL Stories – Time [Chapter 45]

 It's 7:01 AM and you are now officially late for your first day at work. 6:30 PM and you are now hated by your crush for being so late for your first date with him or her. You are on the phone with a technical support agent from 9:00 to 11:00 AM trying to resolve some internet issues you have at home and you get pissed since you still have the same problem. Time is so precious that people cannot bear to waste them. It is probably the most precious yet intangible thing in this world. It is something that in which if you have given you can never take it back. It is something that when you utilize it well enough gives huge amounts of rewards in different forms. Time heals all wounds may it be physical or emotional. It is always cherished and valued alongside memories that you will never forget nor regret. A time with your colleagues for a fun night out, a time with your family for a sumptuous lunch and a time with your special someone for sweet and simple nothings. Time is also one of the miracles created by God Himself. No matter how long or short the time you spend with someone, as long as you value that time you give value to the person you are spending it with. You share one of life’s greatest miracles and a bond is formed between the two of you which cannot be severed. May it be a friendly or intimate bond it won’t matter, simply because the important thing is the time you have spent with each other. These are the times you will look back into and simply put a smile on your face. When someone will ask you to think happy thoughts, these times and memories will be the ones that will keep you telling stories of happiness, joy and hopes. The times spent with the people you value are the most important ones for it will go down not in the world’s history but in your own. You will cherish them and value them relentlessly and vigorously in times of great despair and sorrow. You will look back to the happiest and the most joyful times and memories when you are right in front of life’s end. Time is gold and precious, value it and treasure it. But more importantly value the people you spend it with.

"Spending time with someone is giving a part of your life that you can never take back."

 

CL Stories – Friends with Benefits [Chapter 44]

I've been hearing a lot of comments about the movie friends with benefits. It's probably one of the most interesting films to hit the silver screen this year. I haven't seen it myself but based from the comments I hear from people it's actually a good one. What makes it a good movie? What does Friends with benefits really mean? What are the limitations? What are the do's and don'ts? What are the pros and cons? Why do some people resent it and why do some people fancy it? When I first heard the term “friends with benefits” probably about 5 or 6 years ago it only meant one thing for me. The pleasure of having a friend you can have sex with. Let’s be blunt about it. Sex nowadays is as common as the liquors you drink every weekend. Ages ago talking about sex is taboo. The word itself sets your parents in a steroid-like rage. That might be an exaggeration but nonetheless it is true and it gets them upset. I myself am not washing my hands clean of this “friends with benefits” act. I have tried it but I do not intent to keep on practicing it. If you will ask people what “friends with benefits” is for them, I’m sure that they will give synonymous answers. Some will say it has no strings attached and no emotions involved. No ifs, no buts just plain friends with a little side dish called “sex”. In my honest opinion, it is impossible for this thing to happen successfully without any strings attached or any emotions involved. If it’s a total stranger that you’re having sex with (not that I’m judging people with that kind of lifestyle, on the contrary I admire them for the kind of courage they have to do that!) then it’s not friends with benefits. It’s just a plain hook up. Friends with benefits involved the two of you having known each other for an ample amount of time which will be sufficient enough for both of you to be sexually comfortable with each other. Just from the point where the two of you became friends there are already strings attached but is just not too tight and there are already some emotions involved but not too deep. Eventually by preferring to have sex with your friend it creates an atmosphere of intimacy and emotional investment wherein either both of you are just simply ignoring that fact or you are hiding your true feelings towards each other since it didn’t start right and by doing that you uphold each side of agreement to the label “friends with benefits”. It may or may not be true. There is still very little of what we can understand regarding human emotions and human psyche. It is a case to case basis and maybe further studies may prove that the label “friends with benefits” may indeed involve strong emotional connections between the people involved.

“You don’t have sex with someone you don’t love. It is certain that you love that person even at an infinitesimal smidgen. That’s why it’s called LOVE MAKING”

CL Stories – Heartbeat [Chapter 43]

Heart is one of the most amazing organ in the human body.  It is the one of the organs that can also be compared to the motherboard of a computer, the engine of an automobile, a power plant that supplies energy to numerous cities and the very sun that is the core of our solar system. It is the organ that pumps roughly around seven thousand liters of blood in a day. It is the organ that defines the line between life and death, ill and well, bad and good. An organ that can blow the cover of all the lies the human mind can generate. It is the most famous organ that can be co-related to the human emotions that signifies or characterizes love, trust, honesty and so much more. It is already fascinating enough how it functions physically, let alone associate it with human feelings. Sky is the limit when it comes to interpreting its physical reactions to human emotions. It may beat slower or faster simply by just talking to the person you really fancy. It becomes hard to figure whether it is a simple infatuation that you feel or what could be a possible love that can give you a long term relationship. The beat of the heart gives away the truth behind all the lies of all the people who went through the Lie Detector machine. It is responsible for putting some of the worst criminals behind bars as well as being the source and start of some of the greatest love stories of all time.  We all must learn to take care of our heart both the physical and emotional aspect. A healthy heart promotes a well being and a sound mind. It helps keep your stress in tolerable levels and keeps you grounded and focused on your goals in life.

“The physical heart is capable of revealing the truths that the emotional heart falters to tell.”

CL Stories – Fragile and Frail [Chapter 42]

Human emotions are as fragile and frail as a piece of glass. You don't really need to drop it to break it. Just a sufficient blow will make it crack. When a glass is exposed to a constant change of temperature from hot to cold and vice versa, as time goes by it will be in a state of futility and that makes it unreliable, same goes for human emotions. Emotions become unreliable and unstable when one is constantly exposed to different feelings. The person becomes torn between the mixed emotions and starts to lose sight of how he or she really feels. Once that happens the person is now prone to make mistakes, jump to conclusions, and acquire fears that he or she may not have encountered before. Let us not forget that the brain tells how and what we should feel. So it should be us in control of our emotions and not the other way around. You become one of the worst people in the world if you act solely on your emotions. We have to be objective and skeptical when we deal with our emotions since they can really be unreliable. All people have different ways of coping up with emotional stress. Some go out more, spend time with people and party out with friends to get distracted from it so that they can get their minds clear and ready to think of ways to deal with the emotional stress they are experiencing. While others spend time alone without getting in contact with anyone so that they can achieve inner peace and start to sort things out as well as deal with their feelings. I personally prefer being alone if I’m in this kind of turmoil. It helps me think whether the things I have done are right or wrong. It also assists me in deciphering my true feelings and helps me concentrate on what I should do next. Blogging is also one way of expressing how I really feel since I seldom speak to someone about these things. When a person makes a mistake due to the unreliability of emotions he/she enters a doubtful trance. Instantaneously that person becomes untrusting to everyone including him/herself. Words of advice though, lose your faith and trust in everyone else except yourself. The moment you lose confidence and trust in yourself could mean your lack of understanding your own personality. Once self doubt kicks in, jump hastily in to that self defensive and reconstructive pattern to prevent loss of self esteem and to keep a little bit of your pride. Keep in mind that lingering in the threshold of negative emotions will do you no good 

"Heart is the very core and essence of human feelings and emotions just as the brain is the core and essence of the human body and intelligence."

CL Stories – Coffee [Chapter 41]

Nothing can be more fragrant than the scent of coffee every morning. How it turns up and turns on your senses from a long cold slumber. How it goes well with any meal you may want to take every morning. The sun heats up your body, but coffee is just so miraculous that gives off a feeling of rejuvenation on both your physique and psyche from within. How instantly one sip zaps you into this hype and it starts your mentality right. You are instantly able to think of the things you have to do for the day. It ignites your mind and body and starts the daily cycle and routine of your life. A morning without coffee is like a bed without pillows, you can sleep in a bed without pillows but wouldn’t it be better if you had them? You will surely sleep much better with the pillows and mornings will always be better as well with coffee.  My love and obsession for coffee is a little above average, it’s not harmful anyway. I usually take around three to four cups a day. I remember one quote saying that coffee is a lot like love. It is naturally bitter but what makes it worth drinking is because it becomes the perfect concoction when you add a few more ingredients to it. Same goes for love; it will never promise you a happily ever after ending like in the bedtime story books or fairy tales. But as you learn to appreciate its worth, overcome the trials and obstacles that it will give you, cherish each day it is in your hands and learn to accept and see through the imperfections then that is the only time it becomes the perfect brew of Love. Love much like the taste and feel of coffee does not only keep you awake late at night or wakes you up from your sleepy mornings, but makes you realize the bittersweet reality of life. Life may not always be fair. We may never know why bad things happen to good people or why bad people usually have the best luck. These are some of the things that may or may not be easily comprehended by the human mind. You are given the right to be cynical or disparaging about it. I’d rather keep my faith and just be positive about it, that all things happen for a reason and that it will always be a part of a bigger picture.

“The quality of life we live is only as great as the love we can give.”

CL Stories – Eyes [Chapter 40]

 

I never thought that getting over him would be this fast. I guess moving on isn't so hard if you simply accept the facts that everything is over between the two of you. He was never really meant to be mine in the first place. He is simply one of those people who made me realize I can still break my barriers and limits, that there's more to the persona I already have and more to the crazy little slime or blob inside my skull (yeah using the word brain is too common, boring I might add hahaha). Happiness is really something. People do things that may be reasonable or not just to get a small ounce of that stuff. Some people’s lives depend on it, some make money out of it (yeah stand up comedians are number one on the list) and some are even willing to die for it. Happiness is the main product of love. As long as you love what you're doing it makes you happy and it keeps you happy. Love may not always be synonymous with Happiness but most of the time it will be and it should be. You love someone and it makes you happy. Someone loves you and it makes you happy. You love what you do and it makes you happy. You love what you feel and it makes you happy. Don't forget that Happiness is a matter of choice as well. People are happy because they choose to be and want to be happy. Sure that once you’re hurt you are given the right to be sad, depressed, angry, furious, enraged or even feel bitter about it. But it's still a person's choice if he wants to linger, hang around or dwell more in those feelings. Investing more time in these negative feelings and emotions isn’t going to do you any good. It’s like being in a quicksand, the more you stay the more you’ll sink and eventually the harder it will be to get out. I feel so rare after that relationship with him. I can always find another person who will simply take all I can give, but I’m pretty sure it’s hard to find someone like me who’ll give and do everything specially when I’m in love. My vision has grown wider and my understanding of love and life grew deeper. Whether the right one comes along or not, I don’t really know. But one thing is for sure I have clearly learned from my mistake. Ignorance is not an excuse and it never will be. I have decided that I should just stay single, not forever but for the meantime. I still have a lot of priorities in mind and having someone with me isn’t one of them at the moment. I’m not the play around type as well and it doesn’t really suit my personality. That’s it for now. Let’s see how the new chapter of my life starts. 

"When we experience something traumatic we are given a new set of eyes to the old life we have been living. Seeing them in a completely new and different view."

 

CL Stories – Vague and Blurred [Chapter 39]

I haven't written in a while, and yes I mean a long while (My last blog was written May 4). I stopped writing simply because I wanted to put a halt to everything right after the incidents that happened. Take a breather and let myself loose for a while. I needed it so badly that I went as far as deleting my Twitter account and deactivating my Facebook as well. I guess it really made a big difference in my life. I have been hypnotizing myself that it won't, but I guess it can't be helped simply because what I feel is true. Time passed by, nights grew frighteningly colder and myself grew lonelier by the week. We both agreed to stay away from each other for a while. I said yes knowing that between the two of us I would suffer the most. I'm not really good at this moving on shit. Once I come from a breakup I start having doubts on everything and everyone, including myself. When that happens I try and divert myself from the self destructive pattern that usually happens on these cases. I've already tried to kill myself a few times and it didn't really do any good. I still remember those stupid moments when I look at my wrists. Anyway I think I'm in the mood to write again after all that's happened. I still don't know our situation but we do see each other every now and then and well we barely talk about it. We both have different priorities now and we're also busy with a lot of stuff. I guess it's better we keep it this way until we both have enough time to talk to each other. I've been bad enough to get involved (no, not the kind of involvement your thinking...) with other people while some of these feelings still linger in me. I guess I just wanted the attention that I haven't really been getting. I know how bad that seems and most of the people will surely hate me for it.. I will fix it up as soon as possible and I feel like I barely know myself because of it. Yeah, I didn't fall into that self destructive pattern but I turned into something much worse. I will have to go through another series of solitary confinement soon to find my old self. Everything I once knew about myself isn't as clear as before. I unconsciously drowned myself in all these emotions that I barely thought of just to fill that gap, I have lost myself and hurt others in doing it. I will take full responsibility over my actions this time and take any consequences it will come with. This time I wanna start over with a full clean slate. No hang ups. No excess baggage. Just me. Enough with my melodramatic side. I'm about to start work really soon and well, I have my bucket list full and  have about six months to complete them. Mostly are gadgets but I also have to get my driver's license (Yeah it's been long over due and I don't wanna waste one third of my salary to fares and transport services), and I'm planning to get another degree via online schools but I haven't really chosen any course yet. I have a lot of plans and I wanna start turning them into a reality. My relationship with my family is just getting better. Mom and I are getting along just fine and I see my dad every once in a while. My brother is still a little bit spoiled (yeah thanks to my mom! LoL!) but he'll grow up pretty soon I think. I'm excited to start working. New friends, colleagues, new place and environment. I wanted to live independently and here's my chance. I have done it before in my home country so I should be just fine here. Career wise, I have set my mind to building my career on this company. I know I will enjoy working with them since they are an events company and I like being on events. I'm starting as a business support (yeah on operations, so it's gonna be stressful!) and I'm planning to work my way up to being an events manager. We'll see how it goes as time goes by. That's all for now. Till next blog.

"People who can't take responsibility for their actions are to be pitied since they will never learn from their mistakes and are destined to repeat them"

CL Stories – The Road to Horizon [Chapter 38]

So the bitter mortality of humanity struck me yesterday. I guess it was due to the fact that I haven't had a single smoke for two days now. It's nothing new to me though. I have stopped smoking before and I always get cough colds and fever on the first or second day that I haven't smoked. I'm not yet sure if he has seen the set of mails I compiled and sent. I really hope he likes it. I was chatting with him last night and yes, once again for the first time after a few weeks, I felt so much happiness. Not because we we're chatting but because he has started showing his affections again. Words are the most important thing I hold onto in our relationship. I'm glad that I voiced out how I felt about us and that we should do something about it. I have seen how our relationship is progressing and I was able to assess that it wasn't really going in a good path. I'm glad that he's trying his best put up that flame we had back then. I'm trying my best as well. I woke up this morning and read a text message from him. It was sent last night. Once again the first morning smile after a few weeks. It really feels good and makes me happy that even before I get off my bed I'm already smiling because of his sweet words. I mean who wouldn't be right? I was still lying down a couple of minutes more on my bed reading it a couple of times to double check if I wasn't dreaming (Hahaha! yeah who knows? It's a first after a long period of time. I might be hallucinating lol!). My day has just begun and I think I can just go back to bed and fall asleep, since may day is already complete. All things can be talked. I have traveled back to the past and I said to myself that I want to re-live them, bring back those happy days and guess what, I am re-living the past and going down that road to the horizon. It's not the destination I'm really after but the beautiful scenery along the journey. 

"Only we have the capability to turn our dreams to reality."

CL Stories – The Dawn of a New Hope [Chapter 37]

I'm sad that time machine hasn't been invented yet, but that doesn't mean time travel isn't possible. I just went back to the past yesterday and I swear it brought me to the level of blissfulness I had at that time.I can feel the butterflies in my stomach again. It felt funny, exciting and it brings me new hope. Hope at how we will be going through our relationship for the next couple of months. I have been given a bird's eye view of how our relationship transpired. I've actually made a picture of it and hope you like it. Haha! I felt how passionate we we're back then (Oh yes! we we're definitely into each other at that time and we made sure we let each other feel it.). After reading my blogs from the start and browsing through hundreds of e-mail notifications (Damn it there was 12,000 mails in my yahoo account) I was convinced. I want to re-live that past. I want to go back to those days where we both showed our affection to each other in the most simple but fulfilling way. Those simple thoughts and sentiments are the things that kept us going despite of and in spite of all the things that are happening. We do not solely rely on them but they are the ones that kept our faith strong enough to be the foundation for our relationship. I was filled with so much joy and happiness while I was reading through my blog and e-mails. I even came across some funny and awkward moments. I would do everything to go back to that stage of our relationship. I would like to say my apologies for I have also found out that all this time I was talking about you being cold I was growing colder as well. We have our own faults in our relationship and I guess everyone goes through that stage. I'm really sorry If I have been causing you more stress than happiness lately.I'm sorry if I made you feel that I wasn't contented with what we have. I'm sorry if I made you feel that I stopped loving you the way I did before. We have clearly grown too comfortable with each other, and in doing so we have at some point, took each other for granted. By being comfortable we barely convey to one another about how thankful we are and how happy we are that we're together. The magical three words are the only words that we have been saying and we rely on it to mean everything. I will definitely go back to my old personality. Restore what kept us happy and go back to that stage where happiness shines like the bright sun every single morning. I have gained new eyes, sight and view to the life that I have always been living with you. As every single day may end I will look forward for tomorrow that will bring me the Dawn of a new hope. 

"Like light from the heavens, a new day brings about Hope of living a better life"

CL Stories – A Blind Faith [Chapter 36]

Keeping a blind faith can sometimes be more discerning than simply knowing the truth. You fall into a illusion that keeps you sane for a while. You bury the truth and the fear of the unknown with time and it fades along with it. Like all faint memories it will be gone soon enough even before you notice or realize it. It will keep your current situation manageable and understandable. Will it resurface again? As per Sigmund Freud's studies "Unexpressed feelings never die, they come forth later in uglier ways" This may or may not be true. It totally depends upon the person. We are human and we are given the ability and mentality to cope up with current situations. I can express myself better when I'm writing. I can organize my thoughts fairly well and I satisfy my insatiable urge to express those feelings. It is human nature to constantly lack faith, to question, hunger for information and be skeptical about all things existent or not. We strive our best to comprehend and understand all things as if it were a book we can read. Who can blame us? This is a practice we have been doing for the first twenty years of our lives. The world will slowly overload us with information as we grow. Some of it we will understand and some will leave us wondering. Once we encounter things we can't comprehend, the most common fear of humanity sets in, fear of the unknown. Being unable to grasp and know nothing about something is so frightening that it induces paranoia, uncertainty and doubt. Due to the powerful deductive minds of each individual, we are able to materialize multiple sets of questions, possibilities, scenarios as well as think about the cause and effect of the situation. Some will continuously strive to get a better understanding of the situation and others will simply rely on their blind faith. A belief without true understanding, perception or discrimination. It is overcoming one of the ultimate fears of humanity. Overcoming the fear of the Unknown. 

"As Faith helps you surpass tough times, Blind Faith will help you through the worst no matter how feeble or sound your mind maybe"

CL Stories – Moments long Gone [Chapter 35]

Moments Long Gone

I wish you'd express your love

like the way you did before,

like the white pure dove

it always made me soar

Oh how I miss those mornings

that I wake up with a smile,

how you'd tell that's it's me your longing

from the inbox of my mobile

Times have changed and so have we

I'm still wondering why,

You've grown colder but not me

Yet I still see hope for us in the sky

I will always and forever remember

those days of pure bliss and euphoria long gone

It's up to you if you want to bring back altogether

because I really long for those moments long gone

"Satisfaction does not come from seeking a new life, but from having different views on the same life you've always been living" 

CL Stories – Unknown and Unwritten [Chapter 34]

Sitting in one corner of my room, air conditioning and electric fan turned off. Holding a pen and a notebook while staring at the blank page. I look at the clock and it's a two-twenty three in the afternoon. I lie down on my bed and stared at the ceiling. As the silence in the room grew louder by the minute the ceiling started to resemble the page in the notebook which I was grasping. Empty, clean and blank and somehow I want it to resemble my life. Turn over a new page, write on a clean blank slate or maybe I want my life to be digital. Where in I could just simply copy and paste things. Delete the things I don't really like and print things I want to materialize. Life would be so easy. But then again integration of human emotions in this kind of life is still pointless. At some point your sense of judgment becomes unreliable. There will be times in where you'll be in a conflict in which your mind wants you to terminate that variable which keeps the whole equation unbalanced and trust me your human emotions will beg to differ. It will pull you down a lot faster than the earth's natural gravity. As you go down and sink into more conflicts within yourself, hundreds of questions come rushing down. It's like taking an exam where you've spent so much time in one question, trying to figure out the right answer. Realizing that there's just five minutes left in the clock and you still got tons of questions left unanswered. Hopelessness, uncertainty and the worst of all, regret becomes your close friends. Not to mention all the questions which were not answered. Don't worry you have the right. No, not the damn right to make a mistake because your human, but the right to linger a while in your frustration and stupidity. Self-pity and mourn a bit for your loss but it's not really recommended you stay like that for a long time. All people have to move on, you can only look back and learn from the experience. You don't really have the luxury of  having that UNDO button in real life. So stand up and start walking towards the path you have chosen. Life will not wait nor pause for you, you'll be left behind if you linger on that past for too long. Take no day for granted. You never really know what the future holds or what it may bring so both past and future are irrelevant. Set your eyes on the present and make the most out of it... ARF! ARF! (So yeah my dog broke the loud silence that flooded my room) I look at the clock and there it was, reality struck me just like a lightning. All these thoughts that came pouring out of my mind happened so fast. The clock just turned two-twenty four. 

"If your not going to make it happen, no one else will. You are meant to initiate a change in this world and not for the world to change you."

CL Stories – Silenced Heart [Chapter 33]

I've never wanted to disappear so badly until today. I think I pissed him off last night because of delving too much in his past. I can not deny the fact that he still loves his boyfriend so much, which makes me question why he still wants me around. No, I'm not questioning if he loves me or not. I'm certain that he does, what puzzles me is that why can't he be contented in just one. It's either me or his boyfriend far away. I must be a fool to compete against his lover. I know my looks are far and most probably my personality as well compared to his boyfriend. I do love him dearly but this feeling that he can not give me the security that he'll be mine alone is just tearing me apart. I don't know if I still need to prove something. I don't even know if I have proven myself worthy of his love so as that he chooses me to be his one and only against his lover. I have been hopeful, that he'll have a heart to realize my worth and that he'll choose me but until when will I be hopeful? Until when will I prove myself worthy to be chosen? It is true that we need not to understand each other to be able to love one another but love one another to understand each other. I believe I have understood his ways completely and have come to a point where I question myself if he understood my ways. I have grown and changed a lot for the better. Does that not still not make make me worthy of being chosen? If not then what would it take? What would it take for him to choose me? A lot of questions in my mind and in my heart remain unanswered. I know that if I asked him this he'll just tell me that nothing is certain and let's just enjoy what we have as of the moment. He is that kind of person. I know him to well that at times even before I asked I already know the answer. I won't even bother to ask if that's the case. He hasn't talked to me since last night, not a single message nor a ring on my phone. He'll probably not want to talk to me let alone see me because of what happened. But I'm not really sure. People can be very unpredictable. Could he be thinking of me just like I am thinking of him? I haven't opened my social networks since I know I'll just get hurt more if I found out that he's online exchanging comments and posting pictures and simply ignoring our situation. I really want to see him. Talk to him. Give him a hug or maybe even a kiss. But those will be just wishful thinking for now. He may or may not hate me for what I've done and I've already said my apologies, I don't know what more I should do. I've said to him yesterday that he can just call me or message me if he already feels like it. I guess he's still mad at me. So I'll just wait. Just like as I am waiting for him to choose me. Whether that time will come or not I don't know. But I'm still hopeful, I love him and I really do. I'll just rest my mind, body, soul and heart so that when the time comes that he talks to me again. I'll be alright, we'll be alright. 

"A dark and gloomy past may or may not be the key to a strong and hopeful present but a strong and hopeful present will be the key to a bright and better future."

CL Stories – Second Rebirthing [Chapter 32]

It's been a long time since I've wrote here and well I do miss pouring my random thoughts views and opinions. I guess the main reason why I stopped in writing was the change that I initiated. Breaking down the very ideals that I've been holding onto, the cornerstones of my very personality and the pillars of my sanity. Slowly rebuilding, rearranging, and molding them for me to get a better understanding of the situation I am in right now. It's been 6 months and we're well off with each other. I don't even know how we're still able to keep that fire burning and still keep on lighting those fireworks every now and then. The feeling of your lips pressed against mine still lingers when I close my eyes. It's still all too dreamy in fact, I still can't believe that someone like you could actually want and like someone like me. I may be thinking too low of myself but then again we all have the capability to turn our dreams into reality. I guess this is me turning my dream into reality. I've always talked and spoken about how unconditional love should be and it never hit me that I was so hypocritical. I talked about it and yet I couldn't even give unconditional love to my partner. It hit me unexpectedly that all this time in the past I have always wanted conditions when it comes to love. Who doesn't right? I mean it gives you the feeling of being emotionally stable, sexually stable (but that doesn't mean I like to do it though... hahaha! oh yeah... I meant what I said. This blog ain't for the kids anyway.), and at some point financially stable. Conditions make a fine line in your relationship. The do's and don'ts, yes and no, the if's and but's. These help us achieve what we want from each other and how we can make the relationship last. Eventually these conditions will be broken, forgotten and will be replaced as time goes by. Some for the better, others for the worse. That is why I've learned to embrace the fact that no matter how hard you try to keep it permanent and consistent things will change. Some changes come gradually and some drastic. Coping up with these changes maybe hard at times but you'll make through if you talk it out with your partner. I've been doing it wrong all this time. I was ready to prove to the world that "the" unconditional lover exists through me by being consistent and resisting change. By doing so I build a relationship so full of conditions that at some point it won't feel like love anymore. So with my old personality renewed I have decided. To love once and for all, no if's no but's. To cope up with the changes instead of resisting them. To cherish each day as if it was the last and love like we'll never see each other again. To be that "Unconditional Lover" that everyone has ever dreamed of, wished for and prayed for. 

"Practice love to have more love, practice hate to have more hate. Practice kindness to have more kindness, practice depression to have more depression. The choice is yours as always" 

CL Stories – Maternal Instinct [Chapter 31]

A twenty four hour job. No monetary salary, an in house and on call job. The essence of being a woman and the pride of each and every other man. The only being capable of giving a true unconditional love, care and attention. Strong yet fragile, soft and yet firm. These are only some of the qualities that make up the best person we can look up to in the world (that's in my case though), that's my Mom. I grew up as child raised by my mom (My father went overseas as soon as I turned two). I usually see my dad once or twice every year. Growing up with her has given me the best foundation and cornerstones in my life. The values and key points that I should learn as I grow up has been taught to me in her own way. All that I am right now, I owe it to her. That's why whenever someone compliments the way I am (e.g. personality, mind set, values and discipline) I always say "My mom raised me well..." and as a matter of fact I am still able to learn a lot from her even at my current age. We have had our good and bad times as well. From the hundreds of lies and tantrum I've had when I was a kid up to when she and my dad went separate ways, and up until my dad almost disowned me for being who I am. She is always there to show and make me feel loved despite all that has happened. Even if she's miles away or just in the room above mine she makes sure I feel her support for me in all ways possible. That's why I made a promise to myself that the only girl who will be worth all my love and care is my MOM.

"She'll never get tired of you nor forsake you in any kind of way. You both have a bond that can never be severed and will always be there till the end of time. She will always be your Mother."

CL Stories – A Hint of Rainbow [Chapter 30]

As the rain stops you are left with a street that's wet, worse if it's flooded and worst case scenario the place where you live in becomes a desolate place. Whichever situation your in after the rain, it still brings positivity and hope. It starts out with the cool breeze that may be too cold but still feels good to the skin. Every person may or may not feel any significance when a rain pours, but pretty sure once it stops it will always be meaningful. Each and every one of us is hoping for a better life. A happy family, a well compensated job and career and a house built and based in our deepest dreams and desires. Who wouldn't want a life of success and happiness. The end of a downpour may signify the start of a new life, it may indicate that there are somethings that needs to end, it may also imply that somethings need to be straighten up. We can look at it in hundreds of angles more than a hundred times. Each one of us is unique so we will have different thoughts and opinions about it and we react differently as well. As some scenery are much more beautiful after the rain, so are the situations in our life. Some cuisines taste better if you add a little spice to it, you learn to appreciate the commodities and luxuries in life way better if they are brought about by your hard earned money, and being through so much pain and frustrations in life makes the taste of success sweeter and makes it worth achieving. The rain has stopped and we look forward to the coming sunny days, but still hope that the cool breeze stays with season. Time to clean and dry up our wet and muddy shoes and slippers. Time to get the car washed and house cleaned. It is also a great time to reflect on things that have happened, things that are happening and things that might happen. Time to go with the weather and as soon as the sun comes right after the rain, a band of colorful light arcs to the sky. It is also the same with us and how we go through the journey of living. The only way for us to live better after a great disaster is if we let positivity, humility, kindness and the will to never give up influence our next course of actions. Only by then we see the real "RAINBOW" in our lives. 

"Seven colors are formed from a single white light, so are seven deadly sins from the devil and seven sacraments from God."

CL Stories – Owl's Eye View [Chapter 29]

In every situation there will always be a point of view that will be missed by ninety nine percent of the people. A lost piece of the puzzle. A missing link to a series of connection, a vital information that makes everything reasonable or a formula to the most complex equations. People don't just simply act the way they do. The only thing that will never ever have a reason in this world is love. More than fifty percent of peoples acts will always have a reason behind it. Finding this missing key to the set of doors that stands right in front of you will give you insight to how things turned out. There is more to the quote "Think outside the box" than what we already know. Looking at the situation in every single view possible. We need to isolate ourselves and be on the farthest point of view to be able to see the bigger picture. The sagacity of a judge as he passes his verdict on a certain situation will depend on how he analyzes it. We need to be able to put ourselves in a judge's place to become the best in assessing the events that we are facing. We need to be able to see and hear the side not only of the victim but also of the suspect and the most important which is the witness. The jury is there to help us in analyzing the given facts and evidences. By isolating ourselves from the situation and listening to each side of the story makes us see the picture in pieces and we can put them together one by one. We need to put ourselves in the fourth person point of view only by then will we be able to fully understand about what really happened. It will always be hard to try and put a puzzle together by looking so close to the details. We need to move away from it to figure out which specific piece is lost. A series connection will never work if there is a link that is broken. A crucial information that is not involved in the incident may bridge the gap to how a crime was committed. The right formula will always give the perfect loop of equations. If we course through life this way, we will get a better understanding of how to manage and solve even the most complex and crazy situations that life may throw at us. We grow wiser, increase our degree of self-responsibility, and make more reasonable decisions and actions. 

"The fool believes in what everyone's naked eye have seen. The wise believes in himself  after analyzing what everyone's naked eye had seen."

CL Stories - Divine Vengeance [Chapter 28]

I’ve never felt so angry in my life, until this time. I got so scared of myself that I might actually be able to kill the person who broke the biggest urn of patience that I’m keeping. I’m usually calm and composed when something has been done to tick me off. I have the kind of patience that most people would actually want to have. I can tolerate almost any kind of insult to me except for one. That is to mess up with my loved one right in front of my face. The kind of confidence you have in yourself to be able to pull off a stunt like that in front of me, in front of my friends, at my own house and on my loved one’s birthday celebration is just colossal. But you know what? It’s the kind of confidence that people should never have. It’s a destructive confidence that you fail to consider the feelings of the people around you. Ignorant, arrogant, and inconsiderate that was simply streaming right out of your personality. I wanted to jab you right after my eyes saw what happened, be thankful that some friends actually stopped me. I still recall when I was a kid that my aunt would hurt me every time that I didn’t want to sleep during afternoon. I vowed to myself that I would never hurt anyone physically like that. I’m glad that up until now I still haven’t laid a single hand on anyone. A punch in the face, a kick or whatever kind of painful blow it may be, I still haven’t done it to anyone. Simply because I know how it feels and it will never feel good not even for me if I was the inflictor. This is a time in my life that I’m frightened because I might be able to channel all the anger that was kept inside that urn of patience and once it’s all out I might not know when to stop. I may end up killing that person with my own bare hands. Due to the series of unfortunate events I have decided to shut myself off from the world. Invest more attention on what I should be focusing on and keep a low profile. I came out here without any colleagues or companions except for my family and I was fine and happy. I don’t see any reason why I should be down even if I shut myself out from the people that recently came into my life. There’s only one bond that I’ll never be willing to give up, and that is the bond that I have with you. I have been with you through the worst times of your life and have seen the worse personalities you have and the most puzzling fact is it never makes me love you less. I’ve embraced the fact that it is who you really are and I just simply love you no matter what. We’ve recently had a talk about our situation and you’ve said some things that I could actually hold onto with the kind of relationship we have. It makes me happy that you never fail to re assure me that you love me. It gives me that secure feeling amidst all the things that have recently happened. I’ve promised to myself that I would never put you in a situation where you’ll have to choose. But what if that time comes? The time where my promise is broken and where you’ll have to decide? Will you continue on and be with someone who’s been with you yet doesn’t know you totally? Or be with someone who’s been with you, accepted you and loves you for what your really are, may it be good or bad. As I’ve said I’ll always be here no matter what and I intend to keep that promise. This is the promise of a faithful friend and a silent lover. 

”Love hath no need for reason, definition or description. All it needs is intuition, communication and appreciation.”



CL Stories – ... and Lust (Part 2) [Chapter 27]

Staring at the bottle of red wine on my table and deciphering on what I should do with it. My precious one just left to meet his friends and I'm left with the company of this bottle. It's dark red luscious content inside a green sexy bottle, it's so tempting to just simply gulp it from the bottle itself without considering how it would taste. I decided to give in to the temptation. I took a cork opener and pop the stopper from the bottle. The sweet fragrance suddenly invaded my sense of smell. I took a cup, poured its content and savored it's scent like it was an addictive drug. I started sipping it along with a soda and it was like drinking from the fountain of youth. The sudden urge to smoke came in after taking three glasses of this fermented grape juice. I went out to the parking area, still with a glass on my hand and a cigarette on the other. Bit by bit, simultaneous acts of drinking and smoking is getting in to me. My body starts to become numb and my senses are starting to get a bit dull. I finished my cigarette and went back to my room to spend more time with my companion. Three more glasses and the contents of the bottle are halved. Memories start to flash everytime I'd close my eyes. Vague and faint memories of times that has passed, from the moment I met you till the last minute you were with me. They're like bits and pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. Recollecting them little by little and my longing for you grows stronger. I miss your kiss, how you would look into my eyes, I'd close them and then feel you pressing your lips against mine. The bittersweet taste of the wine also reminds me of how your kiss feels like. I miss the way you touch my face and smudge my cheeks softly with your thumbs while gazing at each other. More and more memories flash in my mind, it's like a near death experience where everything that has happened in your life suddenly flashes right before your eyes. Another three or four glasses and the wine is almost gone. I trembled as the cold winter breeze glazed my body when I open the huge glass door that separates my room from the parking area. I lit another cigarette to help keep me warm. As my body shakes and tries to produce heat more and more memories fill me in. As the devil in me takes over, pictures from my minds little black book came pouring down. I slowly recall them one by one and my body that has now coped up with the cool winter wind is starting to give more than just body heat. I went inside the room to get the images off my psyche and finish off the remaining wine, but it just got worse as I saw my bed. Hundreds of thoughts and images are now gushing right into my brain. The heat from my body grew enormously intense as I close the glass door. The once pure thoughts of longing for your touch, kisses, and hugs now turn into great amount of lust. I suddenly want to get out out my clothes since I was feeling so hot, but then again I sat down and gulped down the last amounts of liquor in the bottle. The demon has gotten the better of me, I now can't stop thinking of how I can relive those carvings in my minds black book. I laid myself on the bed after finishing the bottle of wine and closed my eyes, still feeling the heat through my whole body even though its a bit numb. I took off my pajamas and was about to fall asleep until a loud sound pierced my sense of hearing... "Do... do you got a first aid kit handy!?" My phone was ringing and I looked it up to see who was calling, It was you. I answered and you told me you were outside the gate. It was temptation at its greatest form. It felt like a huge cauldron of gasoline was poured on me and I was soaked in it from head to toe. That one single source of heat would ignite me and make me burst into flames. I shook off my head and hurried to the glass door (without noticing I was only in my boxers) and rushed to the gate. I opened it and you were there, standing amidst the cold air and darkness of the night. My heartbeat suddenly went a beat faster than it was. Could it be the effect of the surroundings? Maybe the red wine which has now been absorbed by my body? Or maybe the plain sight of you? I couldn't really determine, it might actually be all three. We went inside my room to get away from the cold night that was lingering outside. Thoughts grow deep as darkness consumes us when I closed my dim-lit room. I was longing for you so much that holding in what I really want to do is more than a challenge. I closed my eyes while whispering to myself at the back of my mind, "Hold me... hurry... Hold me... Touch me... Kiss me... Hug me..." Your warm hands touched my face... your thumbs smudge my cold cheeks... I was getting what I was longing for... again I am falling for you bit by bit... You wrapped your arms around my waist and hugged me tightly... I got what I needed and again, fall even harder for you... at last I opened my eyes... and found you gazing at me through the abyssal night. The remaining lights from outside the glass door reflects in your eyes. It pierced me, like a wooden stake through my heart and there it was... I was yours for the taking... as my eyes adjusted through darkness I knew what would happen next... I knew that whatever would happen next it is what I was looking for... waiting for... longing for... A night spent in eternal bliss... 

"Though no oath is shared between lovers, in their hearts they know it is only each other they seek."

CL Stories – Of Love... (Part 1) [Chapter 27]

The day started with me thinking of you as the sun shines. I open up my phone and read your message that you got home, you even sent it twice which instantly puts a smile on my face. With three hours of sleep and barely enough energy to go to work, the thought of what might happen tonight gets me going. I've been longing for your touch, the kind of touch that sends chills down my spine. Sipping on my usual morning coffee while browsing through the web for updates from friends as well as thinking of how to spend the night with you. Arrived at work just about fifteen minutes before my schedule so I went to the nearest store and bought my cigarettes and a bottle of water. Lit up one stick just before I started my duty. Work is toxic as usual, but with a little help from the senior receptionist I made it through. I had to leave the hotel by four in the afternoon to do some training on basic fire fighting. I guess it was triggered because there was one instance where a fire broke out in one of the rooms. So there I was sitting in the boring room trying to learn and grasp what I can from the oh so good trainer (yeah that was pure sarcasm... he can barely speak correctly and was having a hard time conveying what he really wanted us to know and learn... haha!). I got interested by the time we went to the basement and we really did put out a fire. We used both the water type and dry powder type extinguisher. After the training I went back to the hotel and finish off some remaining paper works. Just outside my workplace I opened my mobile and saw you tried to call me a while back. So I called you and well we decided to take dinner at home and probably watch some movies. It was an ordinary event that I know would make me extraordinarily happy. I called my best friend to check up on how things are going on her side of the city, she instantly invited me to have dinner with her at the nearest restaurant. So I figured out that instead of cooking a dinner for you (yeah since I'm meeting my best friend there won't be enough time for cooking.) I just thought of bringing you food from the restaurant where I'll be coming from. After a little chit chat with my best friend I went home and prepared myself before meeting you (shower and all the vanity stuff... hahaha!). As you came to the house Mom and some family members we're about to eat dinner outside. You gave mom a hug (Yeah since she really didn't like us making "mano po" since it makes her feel old! hahaha!) I failed miserably with the food I bought since it never crossed my mind that you really didn't eat that kind of food. So I quickly grabbed something from the fridge and cooked it. We had dinner and had a really sensible talk over it. I'm really happy with how things are turning out between us. It's actually surprising how you asked me if I was really happy with the kind of relationship we have. I don't know how much assurance I still have to give you just to make you believe that I really am happy. We decided to watch a horror movie (Yeah I know you like it... since you get too see how scared I am during the whole movie which I know you find it funny... haha!). So yeah it was kind of embarrassing how I got cramps while watching the movie. Maybe because of the fact that I was really scared and couldn't control how my heart, mind and body would react through the scenes in the movie. Somebody called and invited you for coffee right after we watched the movie. You asked me if it's ok and I said yes (Though at the back of my mind you already canceled your appointments for today... but I guess it's okay since we've already enjoyed our dinner and movie.). As you left to meet your friends I decided to sober myself up with a bottle of wine... (To be continued...) 

"A time spent well with the one you love is a time that will always be remembered and cherished.."