I've never wanted to disappear so badly until today. I think I pissed him off last night because of delving too much in his past. I can not deny the fact that he still loves his boyfriend so much, which makes me question why he still wants me around. No, I'm not questioning if he loves me or not. I'm certain that he does, what puzzles me is that why can't he be contented in just one. It's either me or his boyfriend far away. I must be a fool to compete against his lover. I know my looks are far and most probably my personality as well compared to his boyfriend. I do love him dearly but this feeling that he can not give me the security that he'll be mine alone is just tearing me apart. I don't know if I still need to prove something. I don't even know if I have proven myself worthy of his love so as that he chooses me to be his one and only against his lover. I have been hopeful, that he'll have a heart to realize my worth and that he'll choose me but until when will I be hopeful? Until when will I prove myself worthy to be chosen? It is true that we need not to understand each other to be able to love one another but love one another to understand each other. I believe I have understood his ways completely and have come to a point where I question myself if he understood my ways. I have grown and changed a lot for the better. Does that not still not make make me worthy of being chosen? If not then what would it take? What would it take for him to choose me? A lot of questions in my mind and in my heart remain unanswered. I know that if I asked him this he'll just tell me that nothing is certain and let's just enjoy what we have as of the moment. He is that kind of person. I know him to well that at times even before I asked I already know the answer. I won't even bother to ask if that's the case. He hasn't talked to me since last night, not a single message nor a ring on my phone. He'll probably not want to talk to me let alone see me because of what happened. But I'm not really sure. People can be very unpredictable. Could he be thinking of me just like I am thinking of him? I haven't opened my social networks since I know I'll just get hurt more if I found out that he's online exchanging comments and posting pictures and simply ignoring our situation. I really want to see him. Talk to him. Give him a hug or maybe even a kiss. But those will be just wishful thinking for now. He may or may not hate me for what I've done and I've already said my apologies, I don't know what more I should do. I've said to him yesterday that he can just call me or message me if he already feels like it. I guess he's still mad at me. So I'll just wait. Just like as I am waiting for him to choose me. Whether that time will come or not I don't know. But I'm still hopeful, I love him and I really do. I'll just rest my mind, body, soul and heart so that when the time comes that he talks to me again. I'll be alright, we'll be alright.
"A dark and gloomy past may or may not be the key to a strong and hopeful present but a strong and hopeful present will be the key to a bright and better future."
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