CL Stories – Cross Roads [Chapter 19]

I'm happy that we got to meet each other again. I still can't believe that I actually survived that last month without you. I understand why your energy is still below average, you must be tired from the trip and also the fact that your back here to work your ass off. But hey no worries I'm here to keep you feel loved. I actually thought that our feelings would change after you got back. But I guess when we love someone it really doesn't go away that easy. I was scared to act the way we used to before you went on vacation because I don't know what you might think. I'm scared that you might not feel the same way as before. But I know you are honest enough to tell the truth if that's the case. I missed those times when we will just sit and watch TV shows or movies in your place and I want to to them again! With the occasional kissing and cuddling in between. I wanted to stay longer but I know you needed your rest so I decided to call it a night since I also have my interview tomorrow. You don't know how much you made me happy. I hope I made you feel the same way. It's like I'm falling in love all over again with you. I get that feeling of mixed emotions when I'm with you. 

"Telling a person "I love you" is all good, but when you tell a person "I'm in love with you" then it gets deeper than that."

CL Stories – A Drizzle of Blessings [Chapter 18]

Feeling much better after a day of paranoia. I've finally convinced myself that you might just be busy or not in a situation where we can actually communicate with each other. I have good news but I don't wanna spill it just yet. Seems to me that my prayers and your prayers for me are being answered. Thanks to everyone and specially you. Like I've said before nobody else brings out the best in me except you. I've striven harder compared before. I can't wait to see you in a few days. I've missed you so much and I hope you feel the same way. I couldn't believe I've survived a month without you. I guess all I need to think of is we'll see each other one way or another. That you're having a good time there and I should do the same here. Once you're back here everything will be much better because all the things are going the right way. I know you have enjoyed your vacation and I hope you don't forget to bring me something (yeah you promised to bring me something which is your favorite food as well. Hahaha! Food again, I think it's about time both of us go on a diet and start working out). Oh well I miss you so much and I'm really looking forward to seeing you. God gave me a blessing and through that blessing my prayers where answered. God gave me YOU. 

"The smallest of things often has the highest value. Value the smallest things first before you seek for the bigger ones."

CL Stories – Angel's tears [Chapter 17]

It's been a long time since I wrote another blog and well. The day that I've been anticipating for has come. I've never felt so scared in my life and I know I should be able to handle this, because when we started out I know sooner or later you might loose interest. I don't want to be assuming and I'm still looking forward to the positive things. I don't know if I'm just in a state of paranoia or maybe I'm just having a hard time reading and predicting your emotions and actions. It's going to be a few days before we meet each other again and surviving this month without you has been hard. I don't know if you still feel the same way for me when you come back. Like I've said before I know there are three possible things that would happen when you come back. One is you come back and decide to be with me, two is you come back and we continue what we have without any labels, and last and worse part is, you come back decided to cut off any remaining connection with me. I feel so scared that chills come down my spine and goosebumps come off from my skin because I'm starting to think that it would be the last part. Once again the only happiness that I have will be simply taken away from me, but I guess I'm the only one to blame. I hope I'm wrong in all these. Wrong that you will cut off your remaining connection from me, wrong that the bond we shared for a short time is just going to end that way. I hope I'm just paranoid and that everything will turn out fine when you come back. I wish I can let you feel how much I miss you. Writing these blogs might not be enough but they're my only source of strength. They give me the courage to say to you what I can't as of the moment. They are able to clearly organize my thoughts and it makes my message clearer. But whatever happens I'm glad I met you and I still am. I know there's this goodness in your heart that will be unmatched by any other. Because at the times I needed to be happy you were there. You never failed to make me smile amidst my tears, you never failed to make me laugh amidst my sorrow. I know I'll never find someone else like you. That's why I'm willing to risk everything I have and I'm willing to wait as long as I can just so we can be together. This might be a trial for me and I will surpass this with you in my mind and heart. You bring out the best in me and there's nobody else who can do that. I love you and everyone knows that and you feel it too. What ever happens I will never stop loving you. See you soon. 

"Love is like war, It takes sacrifice but it is worth dealing with..."

CL Stories – Blissful Winter [Chapter 16]

Winter is finally setting in and I can feel the cold winter wind deep under my skin. Its even colder since you're not around yet but I guess I won't have to wait long. Excitement is just around the corner for me since once the Eid Holidays are finished I just have to count seven days. I might also be able to land the job that I applied for last week once Eid is finished so that's one less worry for me and for us (Yeah it's payback time! It's about time I treat you out. Haha!). I hope the hard copies of the blog made you happy even though I know you've already read it online before you received it (Yeah what a bummer I spoiled my own surprise because of my own excitement. I now officially hate myself in that part. haha!). The famous chicken adobo was sealed inside the other baggage which they sent by air cargo (I know they we're actually against taking that with them since you can get chicken adobo there but I guess they do understand the value of that simple dish for me.). So by the time it reaches you it will be totally mouthwatering since it does taste better when its a few days old. Haha! It's good that the three of you are back together and I hope you guys settle any remaining misunderstandings. So that when you come back from vacation everything might not be back to normal but at least it would be in a much better state than before. I still don't have any plans on the coming Eid holidays but I guess I'll be spending it equally with friends and family. Things here in the house have started to lighten up a bit. Though one of the housemates have already decided to move out at the end of this month. So hopefully if I'm able to land a better job after Eid, everything will go according to plan and I'll be able to help more financially here at home starting by the end of December. It will be the best start of 2011 for me if all those happens. So I'll just keep on praying and keep the faith. People in the house just finished watching Manny's fight and I actually saw the 8th round and from there I knew he was going to win. Margarito's face couldn't have swollen any bigger Haha!. That's another good news for the country. I have another avid fan of this blog whom I know will be reading this together with you any moment haha. He labeled my blog "Insanely romantic" and I guess I like it! Haha! Though I know I'm totally sane but the romantic part is something I really am. Oh well that's about it. I just wanted to update you on what's happening while your gone. It's about time we I take a break from the cheesy moments and just be plain and casual. Hope to see you soon. I'm still missing you like crazy you know but I guess it's starting to get overrated so I decided to write a plain article about me. Don't worry it doesn't mean that I'll stop being cheesy and romantic haha! I know you hate it and at the same time you love it.

"We have roots that grows towards each other underground, and when all the pretty blossoms falls from our branches we will soon find that we were one tree and not two"

CL Stories – Unleash [Chapter 15]

 After my artificial disappearance in the world for two days I felt like I’ve been rehabilitated. All the insecurities and all the ill-feeling faded in those two days. I guess I just needed to be separated from it to realize I still have what it takes to make the change. Like they always say “It’s never too late”. Now that I’m feeling much better, come to think of it, I didn’t take time to look at the bigger picture. Our situation is a big change for me and I took that road knowing that there’ll be consequences, but I know it’ll be worth it along the way. The last five years I can admit to myself that I have not worked hard for everything. Especially when we talk about relationships, I’ve been interested in a lot of people and it doesn’t take long before they’re mine. The longest it will take before we commit to each other and announce our label as COUPLE is a month. I’m not being overconfident but you know as well that when I love someone I give everything. That could be one reason why it doesn’t take long. But I guess with our situation I’m just more challenged and I guess for the first time I have to think out of the box and heighten my senses. I have to stop increasing my limits and boundaries but I have to remove them. Be a free spirit among the captives and be the sun instead of the stars. There is something in you that don’t make me push my limits but rather you take them away. It’s like opening the cage of birds. Letting the fishes swim in the rivers or sea instead of holding them captive in a water tank. There’s something in you that brings out not only the best qualities I have but the most amazing ones. So having said all that I do realize that I may or may not have you as my official partner in the label COUPLE, but who the hell cares? “Labels are for those who fear the unknown.” I am more than willing to face that unknown as long as you are by my side. Other people may think what they like about us, but the fact is we know the truth about ourselves. We know who we will stand up for and who we really love. We don’t need to announce it in front of other people. Besides where’s the thrill in that right? Let people think and see what we project to them. Let us create our own world where only the two of us exists and that no one else needs to know. A world where we can be what we want to be, a world where we can be together forever, a world where no one will judge us. Though I hope that as time goes by you notice and acknowledge where your heart is really happy, where your heart soars, where your heart truly belongs…

And I hope in time it is… With me…

CL Stories – Lost and Found [Chapter 14]

There will always be a point in one’s life where it comes to the realization point, a point where the biggest decision will be and has to be made. Certain consequences wait at the path of each decision. We can see the obstacles for each decision we make so it’s up to us which risk we are willing to take. Are you brave enough to traverse the long, winding and rocky road to success or are you going to go for the safe and sound journey to your life. Like one of my friends told me, “Every moment is a moment of choice…” this sank deeply to me and became an idea implanted in my head (yeah like the recent movie Inception). There is no one else in this world who can manipulate us better than ourselves. There are words like ignore, priorities and pride. We can ignore or set aside stuff so that we can focus more on our goals. We are given the minds to think and set our priorities and aspirations. We are given just the right amount of pride so that we can be confident enough to pursue our dreams. These are essential things we must remember to consider when making decisions. It has been a tough time for me lately since I’ve been noticing that a lot of people are starting to achieve what they have aimed for. That’s why I decided to cut myself from the world and just be alone for at least a day. It actually helps ease all the ill-feeling inside of me. It’s like an act where the phoenix dies, becomes an ash and after some time it is reborn with its bright fiery wings ready to burn and outshine all other creatures again. All of us have this comfort zone within ourselves where we tend to go back to if in case we get too lost along the decision we have made and when it gets too scary as well. It is different from person to person. Someone might prefer to be alone like me, others like to be with the usual crowd they’ve been in and others might want get drunk and party like hell while some like it to be a more serene and tranquil kind of setting. Sometimes being alone is all we need to be able to think, focus and re-arrange our priorities in life. When people are around we tend to care and consider their thoughts and opinions especially if they are our friends and families. I’m not saying that we shouldn’t but these are just things which are better if we realize them on our own. Once we are back on track we should start rebuilding what we have lost along the way. We start again slowly but surely. We’re not taking a giant leap of faith towards the unknown but instead taking small sure steps. It’s also good if a certain someone is there to help you do things their way. Who will simply watch you while you’re doing it and just help you get up if you fall down rather than help you in all aspects. An inspiration is what they might call it. Someone who can be a light in your darkest hour, a drop of rain in your drought, and your brightest sunshine after a storm. Guess what? That’s what you are to me.

CL Stories – Wish You were Here [Chapter 13]

So here I am again telling stories of my life since I’m too bored with it. I know me and bff has a scheduled training for an upcoming event so we decided that we will not get drunk last Thursday. Unfortunately bff couldn’t resist the temptation so I gave in as well. We drank Thursday night with the gang and well I’ve set my mind that I can’t get drunk since we both have jobs the next morning. Bff’s boytoy came along so they left a bit earlier than expected. I asked bff if she was still going to the training and she said yes. Surprisingly the drinking session lasted till five in the morning and surprisingly I was not drunk, not at all. So me and bro got home by six and I still got an hour to spare. So I first heated some water for my coffee, sent my CV’s to 2 e-mails which was given to me early Thursday while I was scavenging for work, and took a shower. I finished preparing around quarter to seven and left. I arrived at the assembly point exactly seven o’clock. Two bus we’re waiting filled with people who will undergo the training as well. Bff arrived 10 minutes after me and we seated together. Since the training ground is still a bit far we decided to take a power nap inside the bus. After a grueling one hour of sleeping in the most uncomfortable position for me (yeah I can’t really sleep while sitting… but I guess it can’t be helped). We arrived at the training grounds and we were briefed about the job and place of the event. Training commenced from nine am till one pm in the afternoon. Bff and I planned to take lunch and have coffee after just to chill out and talk about stuff. Plan went on smoothly and my ex wanted to have coffee as well so we told him he can follow us at the café. Before my ex came we were actually talking about you (yeah you know who you are my little one. Haha!), like how much I missed you and what plans I have when you come back. So after the long conversation about all things under the sun me and bff decided to go home (yeah both of us were like drained of all the energy that’s within us). So while walking to the area where Cabs Park, both of them was like talking about their career and stuff. It suddenly hit me. I asked myself, “What have I achieved in this life so far?” I stayed quiet till I got a cab. My whole body which was already starting to feel the strain because of being deprived of sleep suddenly felt number, my chest suddenly felt heavier and next thing I knew I was crying. Crying because I couldn’t give any answer to my question earlier. I couldn’t stop it. When I got home it got worse. I was unpacking my stuff and when I pulled out one of my clothes the one and only rosary I had in my life popped out. Could this be a sign? I changed to my pajamas and shirt, sat on the bed and held to the rosary. My heart suddenly pounded harder and I cried harder. I couldn’t help it anymore, how much I pity myself and my current situation. I decided to cut off myself from the world for the meantime so I deactivated one of my major social networking site. I cried myself to sleep while hugging the pillow with your shirt on (oh I washed it already btw. Haha. I don’t think it’s still hygienic to let it stay on the pillow for the third week so I washed it last week). All I could say at this kind of times are “Wish you were here” because I know that I can always hug you and kiss you and when you tell me things will be fine I know they will be. You give me the feeling of being safe amidst all the turmoil and chaos of my mind. I miss you and I love you.

CL Stories – Hallows Eve [Chapter 12]

As I am soon to finish on my project, excitement and thrills kick in. Plus the fact that you’re return is moving near and I’m starting to finally get some good job offers. Everything seems to be moving at its own pace at the right path. Though there have been some issues around the house and stress is starting to get the best of me, I simply think of you and well they just seem to vanish. By the time you read this I’m sure you already know the project I was working on. I’ve been studying Nihongo lately, downloaded a Japanese dictionary on my phone so that whenever I feel turning Japanese I’ll have a ready vocabulary. I know you’ve studied basic Nihongo as well so I know you can relate. Who knows? Japan might one of my destinations sooner or later haha. I’ve wanted to watch compilations of horror movies since Halloween but since you’re not here I decided not to. You know me, they scare the shit out of me specially when I watch them in dark and cold places. Even without the effects of coffee they still make me twitch on my seat. I’d love to watch them when I’m with you. Why? Because you add a little more thrill to the movies hahaha! I know that when something is about to sprout from the screen you’ll try and scare me more. I’ll be collecting the Saw movies (1 – 6) and The ring, The grudge, The eye and we’ll sit down and have a movie marathon together. I want to scare the hell out of myself when I’m with you because I know later on you’ll be there to comfort me and make me realize that it’s just a movie. I really do have this feeling that when I watch those horror movies they tend to replay in my dreams. The only difference is that I am the one in the movie. It kind of makes a psychological impact on my brain. I’d usually sleep with lights on right after I watch them, or I simply watch porn (Yeah a little over sharing on that part haha!)  to get my mind off the eerie feeling. I’m looking forward to the day you come back from your vacation, overweight, tired, and packed with goodies! Haha! (Hoping that you won’t forget mine!) What’s important is you enjoyed it. I know you’ll have a lot of story to tell when you come back and my ears are ready to listen. It would be better off with a bottle of liquor, maybe a nice cup of hot coffee or tea, or maybe eating your favorite Adobo (you just can’t get enough? Haha!). I’m thinking of cooking something else for you but since you are allergic to crustaceans I’m limited to cooking beef and chicken cuisines (Talk about a chef wanna be haha!). I still have a few weeks to land a job so that when you come back I’ll be the one to treat you out! I miss chillin out with you. But of all the things I’m missing… It’s US being together… See yah soon…

CL Stories – Dreamy [Chapter 11]

It’s been a week now since you left and I’m actually doing well. Don’t get me wrong I still miss you really bad but I guess BFF and the other guys are keeping me busy. I don’t know if you realize how much I miss and love you. I hope you can feel it even though I can’t constantly call you or talk to you. I’m thinking of washing your GAP shirt, but then again I really like the smell so I might keep it for one more week. I don’t really know what you’ve done to me but I’ve been hallucinating lately. I mean I keep seeing your sweet face whenever I close my eyes even in broad daylight. I bite my lips to try and check whether I’m dreaming or not. After biting my lips another flashback starts, your soft lips which still seem sweet even though I can smell the scent of a recently inhaled cigarette (I actually like it that way). After sometime BFF would ask me if everything is fine, I would just reply “It’s so dreamy” I can’t believe that the person I actually like and love is able to give me such sweet memories. It’s like being in movies. It gives me butterflies in my stomach. I’m able to survive each and every day without you looking forward to the things that we can do in the future. Things we’ve done in the past we’re so sweet that even without your presence I am still able to feel all of it. Reminiscing has never been this good since we’ve had no bad moments together. I miss your endless jokes (yeah though I don’t really find them funny what I find laughable about is how eager you tell them to me.), the look in your eyes when I tell you I love you, the way you make me feel when we are together and the moments that we are alone and we can just sit together all day. I miss cooking for you, nagging you to chew your food well before you swallow it and how I keep telling you to wash the dishes daily and not to let them last the whole week. I hope you don’t find me manipulative or keeping you on a leash that’s too tight. I know you’re enjoying your vacation and whatever happens you know you have someone you can always come back to aside from your friends. I don’t have to say that I’ll always be here for you. I’ll just do it and wait for the time that you’ll say to me “You’ve always been there for me, at my worse and at my best.” It’s probably the most that I can offer right now in our situation. I am really more than happy that I met you. I won’t say that God sent an angel here on earth because that statement is starting to be so overrated. I simply admit that God had arranged for us to meet so that we may feel the kind of Love He can also give to us. He is making me feel His love through YOU.

CL Stories – ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTVWXYZ [Chapter 10]

It’s been three days since you went for vacation. I know that by now you already know the title of this chapter and it’s really what I feel right now. I have been getting good night sleep because of the fact that you have left me a memento that I can use as a pillow cover and just hug it tight when I feel lonely. Plus the fact that it’s not soaked in any perfume odor aside from your original scent, (yeah like the pheromones from animals.) it creates a mind twisting hallucination that your simply here beside me. I hug the pillow when I sleep, I feel cold, I feel unsafe and I seem to slip into a trance which instigates me to look forward to a new and fruitful day. I don’t know how long this effect will last or when it will fade, but as of the moment I am relieved from longing for you so much because of that feeling I get when I touch your memento. I’ve heard your voice lately and it sounds more than just music to my ears, it’s the satisfaction I get when I actually clean my ears with cotton buds that are soaked in alcohol (yeah it somewhat feels like orgasmic hahaha!).  It gives a slight tingling sensation as well. I have been trying to get busy nowadays just to get the days to pass by. I don’t want to start counting since they will seem longer than they usually are. I’m really missing you so badly right now, every second, every minute, and every hour of the day. I’m feeling blue without you by my side. I’m missing the feeling of being with you. My body longs for your touch, my lips long for your kiss and my heart unconditionally waits for the warmth of your love. I want to cry, cry because there might be no way for me to stop missing you. It’s driving me mad and I’m going crazy simply because I’m missing you badly. I’m wondering if you’re missing me too. But that doesn’t mean that you really have to. Enjoy your vacation and don’t let me hinder you from doing things you want. You already know how much I love you and all I’m concerned of is your safety. As we all know our own country is a dangerous place. Oh my dear cherished one please do not ever doubt my love for you. Because the moment you do it is a big failure on my part. Failure of make you feel loved the way you should be. If you feel that I’m inadequate, I’ll be working through everything for me to live up to your expectations. I have loved you, I am still loving you, and I always will.

CL Stories – Parting Gift [Chapter 9]

While you we're here with me I experienced huge amounts of joy and happiness. I miss you every single day and now without you here it's hard to go through the day knowing I won't see you or even get to hear your voice. But I have to be strong and hope for the best, for myself, for you, for us. Drowned myself in liquor to try and evade the loneliness that I know I'll be experiencing within the coming days, and it actually works for a couple of hours. I went home and threw myself on the bed where we first kissed. Savoring the sweet memories we've had while hugging the pillow with your shirt as the cover. I'm already missing you badly from day one and I've still got 34 days to count. I don't want to think of it every day since I know they will seem longer than usual if you're counting them. I have to do something, get busy and work something out while you’re gone. I know you’ll be enjoying your vacation so I should also do the same to be happy and enjoy my moments here. I’m glad you’ve introduced me to your clique and I know I’ll be enjoying their company a lot. I’m still playing that song from Glee and it helps me think and focus my thoughts on our situation. It makes me think positive about us that even though you’re not here things will be fine. From the lyrics itself, “I’m defying Gravity” It makes me think that we can go for miles with what we have. “It’s time to trust my instincts, close my eyes and leap.” Taking a leap of faith has never been this hard but then again I want to put all my trust in my instincts that there will be brighter days and better days when you get back. I want you to come back, run straight to my arms and tell me you love me, how much you miss me and how much we want to be together (Yeah I know it’s so cheesy right? I’m sorry but I just can’t help it hahaha). Days will pass by and I know I’ll make it, staring at our picture together gives me courage and strength, makes me remember the only person who is willing to take chance with me in a short span of time we knew each other. It makes me cherish the times we’ve had and the love we feel. I’m getting better, like they say happiness is a choice and I choose to be happy, I want to be happy because I know you’ll be sad if I’m not happy. I wish I could just slumber for the next 34 days to come. I want your kiss to be my wakeup call, I want your face to be the first thing I see, I want your warm love to melt me and resuscitate me from my cryogenic state (talk about a medley of old fashion love thoughts with a touch of science from the future hahaha!) Anyways with all the $#!t I’m blabbering about all I really want to say is…

I MISS YOU.