I haven't been able to write in the last few days and you wouldn't believe where I was. I was in heaven, the feeling of ecstatic joy and happiness overflowing from me. I can't help but just smile, smirk, giggle and other signs and symptoms of happiness. But still I have to continuously reiterate to myself that I know where I stand. Don't get me wrong, I'm no hypocrite. I love what I'm feeling and I know what I'm feeling, I'm just in full control and I do realize where I stand for him. I'm just enjoying the moments where I'm totally into someone and I'm able to do what I want with him. I can't say I am contented with what we have but I guess as long as I'm happy that's all that matters right now. I also have some more pressing concerns I need to focus on. I was with him yes. My ultimate crush. It was like a private getaway. I brought him something for lunch and stayed there till he's done with his duty then we went to town for coffee. I have never been with him this long without the influence of alcohol and I actually love it. I'm still looking forward to spending more time with him before he leaves for vacation. I can't help but feel jealous since I know he'll be meeting his better half in his home town. But I make sure that whenever I'm with him I avoid all drama and emotional blabber since it will just ruin the moment. He does ask me if I'm jealous, no matter how much I'd like to say yes I don't have any right to be, so I just tell him "Of course not, I know where I stand..." It does hurt a bit but happiness is something I value more right now instead of entertaining the emotional torture that I know I'll experience sooner or later, I'd rather be happy and thankful that I am able to do what I want with him. I know that I may seem so low and pathetic for settling for 2nd best, but the hell do you care? It's making me happy and you don't have any say in it specially if you don't know what I've been through. I've made a vow to myself that I'd only limit myself to kissing and cuddling with him. No sex since that would make me a man-whore of some kind and that's totally not me, as well as the fact it may get things more complicated. I just really enjoy kissing him, cuddling with him and well we rarely run out of things to talk about which means no dull moments. If we're not talking about something, we are singing songs, the fact that he's just 2 years older than me and he also digs boy-bands (yeah a thing of the past right?) we are able to burst into songs we both know by heart. I am again happy with that kind of connection with him. I guess all I want to say really is how happy I am. He took an eyelash form my cheeks yesterday (the one that fell off from my eyelids) and well he pinched it and ask me to make a wish (Yeah dunno if this is actually true wherein if the hair sticks on the thumb your wish will come true) and I did. sad to say the hair stick to his index finger so wish will never come true. He was asking me on what did I wish for. I didn't want to say it to him since I think he knows. It was for him to be mine forever.
"When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love."
- J.K. Rowling
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