I know it's wrong, creating my private heaven here on earth and doing whatever I want. But who can blame me? It's my turn to be happy and I'm happy when I'm with him. His simple gestures and jokes makes me smile and happy. Time seems to stop when we're together and nothing seems impossible. I get a glimpse of heaven whenever I look into his eyes and feel God's blessing when he touches me with his hands. When he says to me that he loves me I pretend not to hear it so that he will say it again. The three immortal words which can be both destructive and constructive. It seems to me that every time he says it my heart would miss a beat, like a sudden jolt to my nerves, or a chill down my spine. I've never felt like this before. I really don't want to compare because I think it's rude, but it can't be helped. He just keeps knocking me off my feet and I actually like that feeling. In a short span of time we have developed a connection that we've never felt with anyone before. It's good to have someone who can sing songs that you also know, talk about the same interests that you have, and the best part is you both feel the same towards each other. I guess it just so happened that in our current situation we can't be formally together. We've actually had a sincere talk this afternoon it did feel good to know that we we're really considering each others feelings and what would be the outcome. It's not like him to be all melodramatic but I actually love it. I feel the sincerity in all his words and we we're talking seriously for once. I guess it is needed every once in a while to keep us holding our ground. I've told him that I'll be here no matter what. It's not a promise I need to keep but rather an action I'm always willing to do. I'll be his true friend and unconditional lover. I was cloaked with fear this afternoon when he actually mentioned that it may be the last time we'll see each other. I cried but as soon as he held my hand and pat my back I returned to normal. I told him that so far all we have are good memories and let's keep it that way. I don't wanna be lonely when he leaves so I really need a lot of those good memories because I don't really know what his decision will be when he comes back. Like it was said on the TV, "Loving is a risk" and well this has been the biggest risk I took lately, but I know for sure I won't regret anything in the end. Even if he chooses me or not I know I'll be happy because I met someone who actually appreciates me in an intimate level even without us being in a relationship. I needed to leave by afternoon so I asked him to lay down with me on the bed. We kissed and cuddled. I tried to stop myself from crying but I guess I couldn't help it. Tears fell down my eyes while I was staring at him as he sleeps(at least he's not snoring this time haha!). So he decided to drop me off by the highway to go home. As I walked farther away form him I kept looking, it's hard seeing him just stare at me while I go home. I finally hailed a cab and on the cab I just suddenly burst into tears, crying my heart out. Driver was asking if I was OK. Kinda annoying since he see's me crying and still asks if I'm OK, but I told him I'm fine to prevent any further conversation. So I got home and changed to my clothes as usual. Washed the dishes and chill out. I was sad for a moment but I guess I just can't help but be happy because I am being loved the way I like it. It surpasses the sadness that I feel whenever I remember he's not mine to keep. But hey there might be hope. No need to be sad all the way. Like I always say to him, "Let's enjoy and cherish the moments we have together till it lasts." I've been listening to the song "Cherie Amore" I guess it's my feel good song for today.
"Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop."
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