CL Stories - A Specter's Poem [Chapter 8]

A match made in Heaven

Distance too far yet you I sense near,
being mere acquaintances is how we feel.
Mumbling about things we already know,
true feelings do they even show?

Acquaintances for long we have been,
towards one another we are secretly keen.
Admiration and Inspiration are the words,
that shall unite this two distant worlds.

Until now the feeling still lingers,
maybe that’s why I’ve no feelings for others.
I know how you and I both feel,
but the question is can this be real?

Thinking about You and Me,
is it possible to be We?
Riding a train plane or bus
just for You and Me to be Us.

We defined it Magical and Divine,
as two souls tangle and entwine.
We think and agree again,
that this is a Match made in Heaven.

 

CL Stories - Heavenly Fear [Chapter 7]

I know it's wrong, creating my private heaven here on earth and doing whatever I want. But who can blame me? It's my turn to be happy and I'm happy when I'm with him. His simple gestures and jokes makes me smile and happy. Time seems to stop when we're together and nothing seems impossible. I get a glimpse of heaven whenever I look into his eyes and feel God's blessing when he touches me with his hands. When he says to me that he loves me I pretend not to hear it so that he will say it again. The three immortal words which can be both destructive and constructive. It seems to me that every time he says it my heart would miss a beat, like a sudden jolt to my nerves, or a chill down my spine. I've never felt like this before. I really don't want to compare because I think it's rude, but it can't be helped. He just keeps knocking me off my feet and I actually like that feeling. In a short span of time we have developed a connection that we've never felt with anyone before. It's good to have someone who can sing songs that you also know, talk about the same interests that you have, and the best part is you both feel the same towards each other. I guess it just so happened that in our current situation we can't be formally together. We've actually had a sincere talk this afternoon it did feel good to know that  we we're really considering each others feelings and what would be the outcome. It's not like him to be all melodramatic but I actually love it. I feel the sincerity in all his words and we we're talking seriously for once. I guess it is needed every once in a while to keep us holding our ground. I've told him that I'll be here no matter what. It's not a promise I need to keep but rather an action I'm always willing to do. I'll be his true friend and unconditional lover. I was cloaked with fear this afternoon when he actually mentioned that it may be the last time we'll see each other. I cried but as soon as he held my hand and pat my back I returned to normal. I told him that so far all we have are good memories and let's keep it that way. I don't wanna be lonely when he leaves so I really need a lot of those good memories because I don't really know what his decision will be when he comes back. Like it was said on the TV, "Loving is a risk" and well this has been the biggest risk I took lately, but I know for sure I won't regret anything in the end. Even if he chooses me or not I know I'll be happy because I met someone who actually appreciates me in an intimate level even without us being in a relationship. I needed to leave by afternoon so I asked him to lay down with me on the bed. We kissed and cuddled. I tried to stop myself from crying but I guess I couldn't help it. Tears fell down my eyes while I was staring at him as he sleeps(at least he's not snoring this time haha!). So he decided to drop me off by the highway to go home. As I walked farther away form him I kept looking, it's hard seeing him just stare at me while I go home. I finally hailed a cab and on the cab I just suddenly burst into tears, crying my heart out. Driver was asking if I was OK. Kinda annoying since he see's me crying and still asks if I'm OK, but I told him I'm fine to prevent any further conversation. So I got home and changed to my clothes as usual. Washed the dishes and chill out. I was sad for a moment but I guess I just can't help but be happy because I am being loved the way I like it. It surpasses the sadness that I feel whenever I remember he's not mine to keep. But hey there might be hope. No need to be sad all the way. Like I always say to him, "Let's enjoy and cherish the moments we have together till it lasts." I've been listening to the song "Cherie Amore" I guess it's my feel good song for today. 

"Fear is a darkroom where negatives develop."

CL Stories - An Uncertain Clairvoyance [Chapter 6]

I've been experiencing immense amounts of happiness for the last few days and I'm really thankful about it. Some people say that they've been to hell and back. Well for me, I've been to heaven and back. I don't wanna be sad but I guess it can't be helped. I know I'll miss him so much once he's gone for his vacation because in a short span of time that we've been through, we have experienced a lot, talked about a lot of stuff and shared a lot of things. The connection I have with him is just truly amazing and astonishing. I just can't get enough of it I guess. I know I'm not in any position to ask for anything but I'm still wiling to take my chances. Hope is free and it does bring about positivity so I don't have anything to lose. Maybe I'm just scared of the possibility and chances  that are currently on the table. It's really down right scary. But anyways I really enjoyed my time with him. The usual sweet cuddles, never ending jokes and stories. I actually woke up ahead of him this morning and well I was staring at his face while he was still sleeping. It's like "Gosh! an angel from heaven!" that was really heart melting, until the sudden snore. Haha! It's priceless! He still makes me giggle even at times that I seriously adore him while his sleep. What are the chances to find someone like that right? I mean someone who makes you giggle without even exerting too much effort. Someone to make you smile just by breathing. I just whispered to myself "How I wish you we're mine to keep..." We had our lunch and dinner together (so yeah he's preventing me from getting slim... ugh..) and I'm actually happy that I'm able to eat normal food again though I'm actually trying not to eat so much since I really need to lose more weight. I went back home with him and I took a quick shower. We we're suppose to go to my bff's place for a drink but when we we're trying to call her she wouldn't answer so we decided to just go take a walk till she gives us a ring. It was probably one of the most tiring walks I've done, but hey! I'm with an angel who keeps giving me strength to go on and also keeps me smiling and laughing with down to earth jokes. I really enjoyed that long walk. We ended up staying the the fave place to be of the crowd and we chit chatted about random stuffs again. Before we we're about to go home I just felt this sudden sadness and well should I say, uncertain clairvoyance. He'll be going on vacation next Sunday and I know I'll miss him a lot. Once he's back from vacation he could be a changed man. A lot can happen in a month, we don;t know what things will be like when he gets back. I didn't want to tell him why I was feeling like that at first but I guess I just wanna be honest and I don't want him to worry about how I'm feeling so when we hailed a cab home I told it to him. I really appreciate his answer "Don't think about it for now". It's like telling me that there might even be a slight chance that we can be together. That just made my night even more perfect. It's totally better than nothing and I'm happy about it. We said good night and bid good bye to each other for the night. We may not be sleeping beside each other but I'm happy that even if he's not beside me, he'll always be the nearest one in my heart.

"Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."

- St. Augustine

CL Stories - Secret Letter No. 12 [Chapter 5]

yk pqmd otqduetqp azq,

u idafq ftue xqffqd fa mpyuf mnagf m euz. m euz u'hq 

haxgzfmduxk oayyuffqp, m euz ea eiqqf ftmf yk tqmdf bagzpe 

tmdpqd mzp rmefqd qhqdk eqoazp, m euz ea nmp ftmf uf 

mofgmxxk ymwqe yq rqqx saap. u wzai ftuzse mdq sauzs saap

rad yq ngf u paz'f imzzm nq eqxruet. u'hq rqxf xuwq ftue nqradq 

ngf kagde ue vgef purrqdqzf. ufe yudmogxage, mymluzs mzp 

iazpqdrgx. kag ymwq yq otmzsq fa m nqffqd bqdeaz. m bqdeaz 

iuft uzebudmfuaz, rgfgdq, mzp tabq. uzebudmfuaz ftmf suhqe yq 

qzagst oagdmsq fa eqf ftuzse dustf mzp ymwq yk xurq nqffqd. 

m rgfgdq rgxx ar pdqmye mzp mebudmfuaze. tabuzs rad m 

nqffqd agfoayq uz yk xurq iuftuz ftq oayuzs kqmde. u'y tmbbk iuft

 itmf iq tmhq dustf zai mzp itmf iq omz tmhq uz ftq rgfgdq. iq omz 

mximke efmk ftue imk ad iq omz yahq radimdp fa zqi tqustfe. me 

xazs me iq'dq tmbbk mzp iq'dq zaf efqbbuzs az mzkazq'e etaqe.

qhqdk euzsxq pmk yk rqqxuzse vgef wqqb sdaiuzs mzp sdaiuzs. 

uf'e xuwq m bxmzf ftmf'e nquzs zagduetqp ea iqxx. u omz tazqefxk

 emk u pa xahq kag mzp u wzai kag rqqx uf faa. kag wzai u imzf uf

fa nq yadq ngf uf'e eayqftuzs kag ymk zaf suhq dustf zai, ymknq 

zaf qhqd. ngf ftmf'e itk sap smhq ge tabq, fa ymwq ge rqqx ftqdq 

ue m otmzoq rad saap ftuzse fa tmbbqz ur iq wqqb rmuft uz ftqy. 

u tmhq rmuft uz kag, rmuft uz ge, ftmf iq ymk sa rmdftqd ftmz itmf 

agd tmzpe omz dqmot, fa itmf agd tqmdfe omz rqqx mzp fa itmf 

agd yuzpe omz ftuzw. zai xqf yq fqxx kag ftq eiqqfqef euz u'hq 

oayyuffqp, ftq euz ar xahuzs kag.

CL Stories - Intimate Lust [Chapter 4]

Nothing beats a nine hour sleep. I feel rejuvenated from all kinds of stress from last week, lets not mention the miracle about my application in one of the biggest company here. I'm more than willing to keep my faith in the One above with the things that are happening right now. Like I've always said "I feel brighter than the sun". Drenching my throat with a warm cup of coffee, savoring the heat of the sun in my torso, inhaling the cancerous smoke from my favorite cigarette and thinking that nothing can go wrong this day, as if yesterday wasn't already so blessed with so much joy and happiness. I decided to give my cherished one a glimpse of my unconditional madness and craze for him. How he makes me utter countless words, he makes my body release enormous amounts of serotonin and melatonin, he makes my imagination go wild and crazy. I felt embarrassed from the moment I knew he was reading my emotional blabbers and melodramatic nonsense, It's like getting completely naked in front of a stranger, you don't really know what he'll say or do next. It's a risky move but it might be worth the shot. Laying down all my cards might actually convince him that I'm the one but that wouldn't make me feel good either. I don't want him to choose me over his cherished one. I want things to happen as they are suppose to. I don't want to be labeled the one that I fear the most. I'm just enjoying what we have and so is he. We don't talk about dramatic things in life which involves both of us since it's gonna drive us away from each other. Enjoy the moment, savor the pleasure, appreciate the feeling. My heart was pounding the whole time he was reading my blog. I went to get a can of soda and took a quick smoke. I hate this feeling, this feeling of uncertainty whether he's gonna move away or just be more close to me. After reading my blabber I just simply asked him, "How do you feel? Now that you know how crazy I am for you." He just simply replied, "The feeling is mutual". I was happy, I've been happier but I never thought I'd experience this. This feeling of ecstatic joy and comfort, it's like inhaling the coolest breeze on top of a mountain. He again never fails to say the right words to make my heart healthy. He's has something more to offer than the so called "Chicken soup for the soul". He's like the "Buffet for the hungry heart". So yeah that was a pathetic attempt to make you guys laugh (I actually find it funny though...). I'll be meeting him again privately today to have lunch together and cuddle all afternoon. Once again we will give in, give in to our... Intimate Lust... 

"Sin from my lips! O trespass sweetly urged! Give me my sin again."

- Romeo Montague  (Romeo & Juliet by Shakespeare)

CL Stories - My Heaven [Chapter 3]

I haven't been able to write in the last few days and you wouldn't believe where I was. I was in heaven, the feeling of ecstatic joy and happiness overflowing from me. I can't help but just smile, smirk, giggle and other signs and symptoms of happiness. But still I have to continuously reiterate to myself that I know where I stand. Don't get me wrong, I'm no hypocrite. I love what I'm feeling and I know what I'm feeling, I'm just in full control and I do realize where I stand for him. I'm just enjoying the moments where I'm totally into someone and I'm able to do what I want with him. I can't say I am contented with what we have but I guess as long as I'm happy that's all that matters right now. I also have some more pressing concerns I need to focus on. I was with him yes. My ultimate crush. It was like a private getaway. I brought him something for lunch and stayed there till he's done with his duty then we went to town for coffee. I have never been with him this long without the influence of alcohol and I actually love it. I'm still looking forward to spending more time with him before he leaves for vacation. I can't help but feel jealous since I know he'll be meeting his better half in his home town. But I make sure that whenever I'm with him I avoid all drama and emotional blabber since it will just ruin the moment. He does ask me if I'm jealous, no matter how much I'd like to say yes I don't have any right to be, so I just tell him "Of course not, I know where I stand..." It does hurt a bit but happiness is something I value more right now instead of entertaining the emotional torture that I know I'll experience sooner or later, I'd rather be happy and thankful that I am able to do what I want with him. I know that I may seem so low and pathetic for settling for 2nd best, but the hell do you care? It's making me happy and you don't have any say in it specially if you don't know what I've been through. I've made a vow to myself that I'd only limit myself to kissing and cuddling with him. No sex since that would make me a man-whore of some kind and that's totally not me, as well as the fact it may get things more complicated. I just really enjoy kissing him, cuddling with him and well we rarely run out of things to talk about which means no dull moments. If we're not talking about something, we are singing songs, the fact that he's just 2 years older than me and he also digs boy-bands (yeah a thing of the past right?) we are able to burst into songs we both know by heart. I am again happy with that kind of connection with him. I guess all I want to say really is how happy I am. He took an eyelash form my cheeks yesterday (the one that fell off from my eyelids) and well he pinched it and ask me to make a wish (Yeah dunno if this is actually true wherein if the hair sticks on the thumb your wish will come true) and I did. sad to say the hair stick to his index finger so wish will never come true. He was asking me on what did I wish for. I didn't want to say it to him since I think he knows. It was for him to be mine forever. 

"When you have seen as much of life as I have, you will not underestimate the power of obsessive love."

 - J.K. Rowling

CL Stories - Unexpected Truth [Chapter 2]

Where the hell are my manners? I've written two blogs already and well I still haven't introduced myself, I'm Chris, twenty two years old currently jobless and bum (yeah as if I had never been in this situation before). I've actually had fun drinking last night with my best friend Stephanie, my ex Ryan, and my newly found crush Dave. Max wanted me to invite friends over to his birthday since a lot of his guests didn't show up. There was too many food for the crowd and the first person that actually popped in my mind was Dave. As what I've said before I am not yet sure of what I'm really feeling for Dave but I'm willing to figure it out. I know I am not in the right time and situation to have feelings for someone right now but, can you blame me? I just feel really comfy and happy when I'm with him. Anyways so DJ's make up the great music, Strobe Lights, great food, great friends. We we're actually having a good time till Dean suddenly left, we don't know the reason why but something must have happened to make him upset and put another emotional blabber on facebook. Let's talk about the highlight of the night, Dave came. I picked him up the at mall near Sammy's (I just can't get enough of my gay and bisexual friends can't I?) place and well as we all know Ryan is totally jealous of Dave. Ryan actually wanted to go home but Max and Sammy talked him out of it. So he stayed and drank with us. Another friend came a bit late and guess who it was, none other than Brian which I actually dig because I really like seeing Dave and Brian make out. The day ended with almost all of us drunk. There was one instance where Dave was holding my hands and telling me how bad he actually feels about Brian. I wish I could just hug him tight, kiss him and tell him "I'm here and everything will be alright" but then again I'm not in the right position to do so. So I just tried my best to be a good friend and gave him a few advices that could help him along the way.So I went home together with Ryan (Who is still staying in our place btw.) and well he was crying before we went to sleep. I asked him why and he told me that he feels my pain when I look at Dave and Brian making out. I actually smirked a bit and said, "Why would I be in pain when I'm actually happy for them?" It's not like I have DEEP feelings for Dave. I also happen to know that he has a boyfriend in his hometown so I really know where I stand. Anyways the day really was a blast, it was the first time we we're actually drinkin till morning.

"The supreme happiness of life is the conviction that one is loved; loved for oneself, or better yet, loved despite oneself."

-Victor Hugo

CL Stories - Morning Dews [Chapter 1]

Another morning has come and I go through my daily routines. A talk with an old lover and a faithful friend asking how am I doing amidst the chaos and turmoil inside my head. I actually feel that I'm doing much better compared to the last few weeks. We talked about my current situation and I can't help but feel so naked. He see's right through me. He knows me so well that he can actually start and finish off my sentence. But anyways it was, as always, a feel good conversation. My best friend is about to come over before lunch and well  someone asked me if all three of us could actually have lunch together. I told him politely that I want to have quality time with my best friend to talk about stuffs that well, needs to be talked about. I was looking forward to exchanging messages with the person I actually admire but let me have this day for myself. Take time to think and decide on what to do next. I mean we went out together once (yeah just the two of us) and well it wasn't a date, best friend was suppose to come as well but she couldn't make it due to some important reasons so it ended up being me and him. I am trying to figure out if I should actually pursue it since I really feel a connection to him. I mean he understands what I say and he actually told me once that I do make a lot of sense when I blabber about life. I kinda like that level of connection since it's something I haven't had in a long time. To determine whether this is just a friendly connection or maybe admiration or infatuation. I know I'm not in the right time to be in love with someone so I'm trying not to, but I don't want to waste the opportunity as well. I just hope that when the time comes that I am actually in love with him he tells me what he really feels as well and doesn't leave me hanging. I know it's a too big risk to take but hey, rewards of it can actually be great if it turns out right. I think I'll still go back to my old self when it comes to this kind of situation. Taking a risk but at the same time playing it safe. Hoping he'll message me soon. Like the bright sun that never fails to shine every morning which gives morning dews the beautiful sparkling light.

"I believe love is primarily a choice and only sometimes a feeling. If you want to feel love, choose to love and be patient."

- Anonymous

CL Stories - A Gloomy Past [Prologue]

I have been living my life the way I actually want it. I may not have a job yet but I'm getting there. I have been experiencing a lot of ups and downs in the past 5 years of my life. I know I'm not a normal individual (no not the ones with super powers or psychic abilities) because on that 5 years, I have been focusing on one thing, looking for the right person to be with me for all my life (yeah pathetic isn't it? It's actually amazing how I can believe in this sh!t). But of course priorities are there like school and work, but the most important of all surviving on this earth. It hits me like a solid rock on my head that it's actually easier said than done. Having someone to be with you in this world could actually make things easier or sad to say, worse. Who the hell knows if things are turning out the way they should be? We are born in this world with our eyes closed nose clogged and naked, I actually meant that literally and philosophically. We barely know what to do. That's why we also have Faith. We believe that what we do and why we are here is always for a greater and better purpose. That's what usually keeps people going, that's what keeps me going and enduring the last 5 years of my life. Broken family, discrimination and unappreciated hard work are just a few things to start with. But then again positivity brings hope, courage and determination to supply me with enough energy which will last until the next brutal blow of life comes. Let's see how my life goes on with the kind of inspiration and sacrifices I'm willing to do for the sake of Love and Companionship

"There is always some madness in love, but there is also

                          always some reasons in madness..."

                           

                          - Friedrich Nietzsche