CL Stories – Silenced Heart [Chapter 33]

I've never wanted to disappear so badly until today. I think I pissed him off last night because of delving too much in his past. I can not deny the fact that he still loves his boyfriend so much, which makes me question why he still wants me around. No, I'm not questioning if he loves me or not. I'm certain that he does, what puzzles me is that why can't he be contented in just one. It's either me or his boyfriend far away. I must be a fool to compete against his lover. I know my looks are far and most probably my personality as well compared to his boyfriend. I do love him dearly but this feeling that he can not give me the security that he'll be mine alone is just tearing me apart. I don't know if I still need to prove something. I don't even know if I have proven myself worthy of his love so as that he chooses me to be his one and only against his lover. I have been hopeful, that he'll have a heart to realize my worth and that he'll choose me but until when will I be hopeful? Until when will I prove myself worthy to be chosen? It is true that we need not to understand each other to be able to love one another but love one another to understand each other. I believe I have understood his ways completely and have come to a point where I question myself if he understood my ways. I have grown and changed a lot for the better. Does that not still not make make me worthy of being chosen? If not then what would it take? What would it take for him to choose me? A lot of questions in my mind and in my heart remain unanswered. I know that if I asked him this he'll just tell me that nothing is certain and let's just enjoy what we have as of the moment. He is that kind of person. I know him to well that at times even before I asked I already know the answer. I won't even bother to ask if that's the case. He hasn't talked to me since last night, not a single message nor a ring on my phone. He'll probably not want to talk to me let alone see me because of what happened. But I'm not really sure. People can be very unpredictable. Could he be thinking of me just like I am thinking of him? I haven't opened my social networks since I know I'll just get hurt more if I found out that he's online exchanging comments and posting pictures and simply ignoring our situation. I really want to see him. Talk to him. Give him a hug or maybe even a kiss. But those will be just wishful thinking for now. He may or may not hate me for what I've done and I've already said my apologies, I don't know what more I should do. I've said to him yesterday that he can just call me or message me if he already feels like it. I guess he's still mad at me. So I'll just wait. Just like as I am waiting for him to choose me. Whether that time will come or not I don't know. But I'm still hopeful, I love him and I really do. I'll just rest my mind, body, soul and heart so that when the time comes that he talks to me again. I'll be alright, we'll be alright. 

"A dark and gloomy past may or may not be the key to a strong and hopeful present but a strong and hopeful present will be the key to a bright and better future."

CL Stories – Second Rebirthing [Chapter 32]

It's been a long time since I've wrote here and well I do miss pouring my random thoughts views and opinions. I guess the main reason why I stopped in writing was the change that I initiated. Breaking down the very ideals that I've been holding onto, the cornerstones of my very personality and the pillars of my sanity. Slowly rebuilding, rearranging, and molding them for me to get a better understanding of the situation I am in right now. It's been 6 months and we're well off with each other. I don't even know how we're still able to keep that fire burning and still keep on lighting those fireworks every now and then. The feeling of your lips pressed against mine still lingers when I close my eyes. It's still all too dreamy in fact, I still can't believe that someone like you could actually want and like someone like me. I may be thinking too low of myself but then again we all have the capability to turn our dreams into reality. I guess this is me turning my dream into reality. I've always talked and spoken about how unconditional love should be and it never hit me that I was so hypocritical. I talked about it and yet I couldn't even give unconditional love to my partner. It hit me unexpectedly that all this time in the past I have always wanted conditions when it comes to love. Who doesn't right? I mean it gives you the feeling of being emotionally stable, sexually stable (but that doesn't mean I like to do it though... hahaha! oh yeah... I meant what I said. This blog ain't for the kids anyway.), and at some point financially stable. Conditions make a fine line in your relationship. The do's and don'ts, yes and no, the if's and but's. These help us achieve what we want from each other and how we can make the relationship last. Eventually these conditions will be broken, forgotten and will be replaced as time goes by. Some for the better, others for the worse. That is why I've learned to embrace the fact that no matter how hard you try to keep it permanent and consistent things will change. Some changes come gradually and some drastic. Coping up with these changes maybe hard at times but you'll make through if you talk it out with your partner. I've been doing it wrong all this time. I was ready to prove to the world that "the" unconditional lover exists through me by being consistent and resisting change. By doing so I build a relationship so full of conditions that at some point it won't feel like love anymore. So with my old personality renewed I have decided. To love once and for all, no if's no but's. To cope up with the changes instead of resisting them. To cherish each day as if it was the last and love like we'll never see each other again. To be that "Unconditional Lover" that everyone has ever dreamed of, wished for and prayed for. 

"Practice love to have more love, practice hate to have more hate. Practice kindness to have more kindness, practice depression to have more depression. The choice is yours as always"